Ask Emma

Dear Emma,

How can I drink hard liquor excessively every night without acquiring that ugly, bumpy, red, contorted nose that heavy drinkers many times acquire?

-Walter Rogers

Eugene, Oregon


Drink more Ovaltine. I don’t know! This is the worst question ever! Reading it has actually made me dumber. Face it: some people are just born ugly. If you’re afraid of having an ugly, red nose when you’re older, don’t quit drinking: build a time machine, travel back in time to the year you were conceived, and stop your parents from procreating. The same bad genes that have caused you to become an alcoholic are the same bad genes that will cause you grow into an ugly, old fart? or just read about gin blossoms.


Dear Emma,

More often than not, when I have a bowel movement, or shit, it comes out thin like urine, or piss. Following completion, my rectum, or asshole, burns like the dickens, no matter how much I wipe. What’s wrong with me?
t- Teddy

Tampa, Florida


This is common amongst anorexic-homosexuals. The consistency of your bowel movements is caused by the lack of substance in your diet, whereas big, hard penises thrusting your milkshake-maker fortnightly cause the burning. If you wish to remedy your ailment, eat a sandwich and learn how to ‘pitch!’

Dear Emma,

Why are you stupid?

-John Fogger,

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania


Good question! See figure 1. (Below)



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