BALTIMORE – Doctors at Johns Hopkins University have come out with a press release, Tuesday, stating that calcium deficiency in children is causing many more problems than brittle bones, including near-sightedness, clubbed fingers, brain matter loss, and testicular cancer. Continue Reading

TAMPA, FL – I took a walk down Dale Mabry Highway to the liquor store so I could stock up & regroup while coming up with a new master plan to acquire one of these pesky brain-numbing devices. A brisk pace through the stark Tampa streets in the moist air that is Southern November can be quite pleasant when one stops to notice – especially when you add whiskey. Continue Reading

What I can’t figure out is: why aren’t people sick and tired of the same thing over and over again? Every year, it’s same half-time show; every time I turn on my radio, it’s the same songs; every time I watch TV, it’s the same reruns. Our country was built on innovation and creativity: the automobile, the telephone, the personal computer, the internet, blues, jazz, rock n’ roll, baseball, football (not soccer), apple pie; all of these we’re invented in America. But for some reason, it seems like nothing has changed for a long time. Continue Reading

NAGOYA, JAPAN – A dangerous new craze has swept Japan. A new and potentially lethal form of extreme dieting has caused thousands of young Japanese women to be hospitalized in Nagoya, a city in Central Japan. A spokesperson for the Health Department said that the hospitals cannot cope with the influx of skinny women and have already requested emergency supplies of Mars Bars to hand out at school gates. Continue Reading

TAMPA, FL – While enjoying my usual drunken Monday evening routine watching the Ageless Bull lead the tormented Minnesota Vikings past the Green Bay Packers on Monday Night Football, my editor at LushForLife.com, Egbert Souse, phoned me with an urgent request. Continue Reading

WASHINGTON – A year after September 11^th, nine Army linguists were dismissed from the military because of their sexual orientation. At a time when the military was struggling to recruit Arabic speakers, as it still is, these were vital losses. But General Cunningham, head of a new top-priority military operation, insists that these were essential sacrifices. Continue Reading

CLEVELAND – In the 2000 Presidential election, the race between George “Dubya” Bush and Al “Husband of Tipper” Gore was so tight that the Gallup Polling Company added outgoing President Bill Clinton’s name to the poll choices, just to spice things up a bit. The results were shocking: had Clinton been able to run for a third term, the American public overwhelmingly would have voted to keep him in power, regardless of any of the scandals that surrounded the President at the time. With the last election being so tight as well, President Bush’s popularity plummeting and the lack of current Democrat leadership, a new organization, The Imperialists of the United States of America, has been formed by Cleveland, Ohio resident Jeff Nash to make America a better place for everyone. Continue Reading

SEATTLE – Eleven years after the brutal suicide of Seattle Grunge Legend Kurt Cobain left America’s youth in shock and dismay, the “teenage angst” that paid off so well is back to haunt a new generation of celebrity children. Continue Reading

“Dear Emma,

How can I drink hard liquor excessively every night without acquiring that ugly, bumpy, red, contorted nose that heavy drinkers many times acquire?

-Walter Rogers

Eugene, Oregon

Drink more Ovaltine. I don’t know! This is the worst question ever! Reading it has actually made me dumber. Face it: some people are just born ugly. If you’re afraid of having an ugly, red nose when you’re older, don’t quit drinking: build a time machine, travel back in time to the year you were conceived, and stop your parents from procreating. The same bad genes that have caused you to become an alcoholic are the same bad genes that will cause you grow into an ugly, old fart? or just read about gin blossoms.

Dear Emma,

More often than not, when I have a bowel movement, or shit, it comes out thin like urine, or piss. Following completion, my rectum, or asshole, burns like the dickens, no matter how much I wipe. What’s wrong with me?
t
t- Teddy

Tampa, Florida

This is common amongst anorexic-homosexuals. The consistency of your bowel movements is caused by the lack of substance in your diet, whereas big, hard penises thrusting your milkshake-maker fortnightly cause the burning. If you wish to remedy your ailment, eat a sandwich and learn how to ‘pitch!’

Dear Emma,

Why are you stupid?

-John Fogger,

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Good question! See figure 1. (Below)

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CHAPEL HILL, NC – In a press conference Wednesday, biologist Dr. Gerald F. Takemura and psychologist Dr. Francine Holmesworth-Meyer released the findings of a groundbreaking study in the new field of “Dude-broism.” The findings of the study indicate that “Dude-broism” in males is inherited maternally and those that suffer from this condition, or “Dude-bros,” are genetically predisposed to be attracted to the pheromones released by females infected with any one of a series of sexually transmitted diseases. Continue Reading