Nov 30th, 2005
BALTIMORE – Doctors at Johns Hopkins University have come out with a press release, Tuesday, stating that calcium deficiency in children is causing many more problems than brittle bones, including near-sightedness, clubbed fingers, brain matter loss, and testicular cancer.
TAMPA, FL – I took a walk down Dale Mabry Highway to the liquor store so I could stock up & regroup while coming up with a new master plan to acquire one of these pesky brain-numbing devices. A brisk pace through the stark Tampa streets in the moist air that is Southern November can [...]
What I can’t figure out is: why aren’t people sick and tired of the same thing over and over again? Every year, it’s same half-time show; every time I turn on my radio, it’s the same songs; every time I watch TV, it’s the same reruns. Our country was built on innovation and creativity: the [...]
NAGOYA, JAPAN – A dangerous new craze has swept Japan. A new and potentially lethal form of extreme dieting has caused thousands of young Japanese women to be hospitalized in Nagoya, a city in Central Japan. A spokesperson for the Health Department said that the hospitals cannot cope with the influx of skinny women and [...]
Nov 23rd, 2005
TAMPA, FL – While enjoying my usual drunken Monday evening routine watching the Ageless Bull lead the tormented Minnesota Vikings past the Green Bay Packers on Monday Night Football, my editor at LushForLife.com, Egbert Souse, phoned me with an urgent request.
Nov 22nd, 2005
WASHINGTON – A year after September 11th, nine Army linguists were dismissed from the military because of their sexual orientation. At a time when the military was struggling to recruit Arabic speakers, as it still is, these were vital losses. But General Cunningham, head of a new top-priority military operation, insists that these were essential [...]
CLEVELAND – In the 2000 Presidential election, the race between George “Dubya” Bush and Al “Husband of Tipper” Gore was so tight that the Gallup Polling Company added outgoing President Bill Clinton’s name to the poll choices, just to spice things up a bit. The results were shocking: had Clinton been able to run for [...]
SEATTLE – Eleven years after the brutal suicide of Seattle Grunge Legend Kurt Cobain left America’s youth in shock and dismay, the “teenage angst” that paid off so well is back to haunt a new generation of celebrity children.
“Dear Emma,
How can I drink hard liquor excessively every night without acquiring that ugly, bumpy, red, contorted nose that heavy drinkers many times acquire?
-Walter Rogers
Eugene, Oregon
t—
Drink more Ovaltine. I don’t know! This is the worst question ever! Reading it has actually made me dumber. Face it: some people are just born ugly. If you’re [...]
Nov 16th, 2005
CHAPEL HILL, NC – In a press conference Wednesday, biologist Dr. Gerald F. Takemura and psychologist Dr. Francine Holmesworth-Meyer released the findings of a groundbreaking study in the new field of “Dude-broism.” The findings of the study indicate that “Dude-broism” in males is inherited maternally and those that suffer from this condition, or “Dude-bros,” are [...]