Putting The Lard Back Into Christmas

LIVERPOOL, UK – So many of us have too much … too much junk, too much email, and too much blubber on our waists, thighs and buttocks.

The season for giving comes once a year. Liverpool plastic surgeon, Dr Evan Stephens, believes we could all give more, and with deeper feeling, and feel better about ourselves for it.

Partly inspired by the movie “Fight Club”, he offers discounted liposuction procedures as Christmas nears each year. His wife, Dora (her name is derived from Greek, meaning “gift”) has developed a special process by which the fat removed by suction can be made into gifts such as soap or candles, and tastefully gift wrapped as a special gift for a loved one.

This year’s most popular combination offers include a romantic candle-and-DVD set, which includes Al Pacino’s “Scent of a Woman”.

The DVD of Steven Seagal’s “Belly of the Beast” teams up nicely with a soap and bath-candle combination, as a gift for the special woman in the beer drinking man’s life.

The next favorite choice is a two-pack of plump, floating candles, entitled “Breast wishes for the Festive Season”. The candles are painted to match the skin and nipple colour of the tallow-donor, and are available in A, B or C cup sizes, depending on the weightiness of the liposuction decision.

Evan explains that the original concept arose out of his admiration for a soccer team. Like most Liverpudlians, he actually supports Manchester United. “Each match, the players give completely of themselves”, he says of his favorites like Ruud Van Nistelrooy and Cristiano Ronaldo. “I saw an opportunity for my patients to do the same.”

Dora, a talented craftswoman, plans several new lines for the coming year. Some patients want to feel that lightening their own lives can illuminate the homes of loved-ones, too, and she has perfected a lard-based lava-lamp, designed to meet this demand. She is considering offering it next festive season in a gift basket set, together with Bing Crosby’s original recording of “I’ll be home for Christmas”.

Some patients are built on slender lines but still have generous spirits. When fashion calls for a washboard stomach, and there is only a small amount of roundness to be suctioned from a belly, the my-gel mousepad makes a great individualized gift.

Evan and Dora are now patenting their process and gift designs, with a view to offering franchises in the USA, where Americans love unusual gifts for the person who has everything. Many Americans also have an abundance to give when it comes to fat, and Evan is just the person to help them tie the two tendencies together in symbiotic harmony.

Mrs. Gale Force is a Lush For Life guest writer. If you would like to submit a story to Lush For Life please click here

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