October Horoscopes

Aries: Don’t fly on planes.


Taurus: Your hot temper and stubborn attitude will cause those close to you to keep their distance. In short, no one likes you…kill yourself.


Gemini: Your strong desire to be the center of attention could possibly open doors to a new career for you. Consider taking a dance class. Buying a g-string may prove useful, as well.


Cancer: Your true love will call and ask you to come over and have sex with them. You will go there, and while you are having sex with them they will ask you to shit in their mouth. This will come as a surprise to you. However, don’t be alarmed. This excursion in scatology will prove to be lucrative as you shit out magical gold coins worth millions of dollars.


Leo: Your mother will die. Sorry. However, in the event that your mother is already dead, she will come back to life as a zombie and eat your face. Sorry, again.


Virgo: Farm animals may be just the secret you’re looking for to spice up your sex life.


Libra: A coworker will seduce you at work. Four months later, you will marry your coworker and move to Bethlehem, PA, where you will start a new career as a mortician. Later, you will have a son named Larry. Larry will smoke pot and drop out of college. He will establish a career working for a pornographic website, in which he performs sexual acts on carnival seals.


Scorpio: You will look in the mirror, and discover that you are extremely attracted to yourself. You will begin to have a steamy love affair with your hands and inanimate objects. Three weeks later you will be walking to the store to buy a soda. A man in a red coat will call out your name from across the street. You will look in his direction and wave to him. At the same time, a white 1978 Cadillac with spinning hubcaps and a bumper sticker that reads “WWJD” will swerve off the road and hit you. You will lose the use of your arms and never love again.


Sagittarius: Trust no one…except for emus.


Capricorn: Mechanical elephants will attack your home. Under the third tile from the left in your kitchen there is a hidden safe. The combination to this safe is 3, 8, 4. Inside the safe, you will a find a magic shield and a magic sword. You will battle the mechanical elephants and lose.

Aquarius: Men: you will lose your penis in a hang gliding accident. Women: your husband, boyfriend, father, brother, etc…will lose his penis in a hang gliding accident.


Pisces: You will have difficulty making up your mind. Decide if you wish to be this way. Oh, I almost forgot: you also have cancer. A visit to the hospital is advised.

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