Man In Boston Dies Of Cooties

BOSTON – A man in Boston, MA, abruptly died last week, ailing from a mutated form of the once believed imaginary childhood disease Cooties, according to doctors at Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston.

The patient, Frank Monroe, a life-long resident of the greater Boston area, was submitted to MGH on Thursday night after spontaneously collapsing at his Boston home. Unconscious upon arriving, Monroe’s physical appearance began to drastically decline, as his face swelled, blood and pus began seeping from all of his orifices, lesions began to appear, and his skin began to decay. He would never regain consciousness and was pronounced dead a mere three hours later early Friday morning.

Monroe’s girlfriend, Lynn O’Brien, who was present when Monroe collapsed, told her account:

“He was fine. We had finished dinner and were curled up on the couch together, watching Jimmy Fallon movies. He got up to go to the kitchen and just fell over. After he didn’t get up I took him to the hospital. It doesn’t make any sense.”

Doctors discovered that Monroe was not suffering from any known illness acknowledged by the AMA. After speaking with O’Brien, Head Surgeon Andrew L. Warshaw diagnosed Monroe’s fatal illness as Cooties, the once believed to be imaginary sickness that boys and girls would receive from any kind of physical contact.

“We’re not certain how long Monroe has been suffering from Cooties, or when he initially was infected with the undetectable virus. Obviously, he may have been infected since childhood, though at this point we’re not absolutely sure,” Warshaw said. “In the past, children would freely spread Cooties at their leisure, but the disease was easily cured with the Circle-Circle-Dot-Dot vaccine. We were not able to save Monroe’s life because we had run out of Cootie shots.”

Monroe’s autopsy revealed he had died of a mutated form of the Cooties virus, so it is unclear if the Circle-Circle-Dot-Dot method will continue to work as the active vaccine. The troubling problem for doctors, said by Dr. Warshaw, is their inability to detect the virus once one has become infected.

“We ran several tests on Monroe, and we could not find the source of his problem. His blood pressure and heart rate remained stable, as well as the rest of his organs and bodily functions, right up until his death.”

The American Medical Association is encouraging all people, young and old, to refrain from spreading the Cooties virus. William G. Plested, President of the AMA, said in a press release:

“The Cooties virus has become a deadly and lethal force in the world of medicine. With no research or information on this once supposed childhood prank, we cannot treat patients who contract this fatal disease at this time. Since there are no warning signs or symptoms detectable until three hours before death, we are not sure how many people are currently infected. We at the AMA would like to encourage a level of discretion to all people, young and old, before you carelessly spread this terrifying disease.”

In the wake of Monroe’s death, hospitals and general practitioners around the globe are stocking themselves with ample amounts of Cootie shots, hoping that the Circle-Circle-Dot-Dot method will still cure the new mutated strain of this fatal illness.



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