Jesus Decides To Let The People Choose Next God

LAS VEGAS – After several weeks of deliberation between Christian bureaucrats in Heaven and on Earth led to no conclusion, Jesus has decided to not appoint a new God himself; he will allow the people of both Earth and Heaven decide who the next Holy Redeemer will be in the form of a democratic vote.

In a press conference today from Las Vegas, Jesus outlined the process the religious world will follow during the next several months:

“I felt choosing a successor to Father myself would be unfair to the people of the religious community,” the Son of the fallen God said. “Since this is the first time in history of existence people have had a choice in who they can pray to, I feel it is important for those people to have a voice in who is chosen.”

When reporters on location asked Jesus who was in contention for the upcoming election, he replied, “We are going to run this election very similar to a democratic vote instituted in various democracies across the globe. The entire religious world, including Heaven, Hell, and Earth, will have a say in the decision, with every religion and denomination able to nominate one representative they wish to take office. From those nominations, the people will choose a successor to my late Father. We plan on having a new God in office by Easter. ”

Some religious sects have already begun preparing for the election. Several reports out of Mobile, Alabama, are indicating that religious figurehead and ex-con Jim Bakker, who at one time was the lead candidate to take over the Godship, has already formed an election campaign staff and has received the Southern Baptist Party nomination, and is expected to be the front-runner in the election.

A number of other nominations have been made as well. It appears that the Catholic Church is nominating former actor Craig T. Nelson; motivational speaker Tony Robbins has received the Methodist nomination; former late night personality Tom Snyder will be running on the Lutheran ticket; Washington Redskins head coach Joe Gibbs is expected to resign and accept the nomination from the Jehovah’s Witness Party; the Islamic Church is currently in deliberation on who their nominee will be, though sources close to the church have revealed that they are deciding between basketball star Charles Barkley and the ghost of civil rights activist Malcolm X.

One religious insider revealed to LushForLife.com that evangelist Billy Graham, who feels he has been slighted by the Christians by not being nominated, is planning on renouncing Christ so he could be nominated on the Atheist ticket.

As for the Heaven nomination, insiders believe it will come down to a three man race between religious veteran Moses and the archangel Gabriel, with the possibility of Saint Peter entering contention, in which case the job of guarding the gates of Heaven would be available.

In Hell, Satan has confirmed the suspicions of the religious world and indicated he will be running for office for the Hell Party. During a conference call held between LushForLife.com and Satan’s office, Satan said, “As you may already know, this is the opportunity that I have been waiting for. Several millenniums have passed as I have longed for this moment. I’ve always wanted to be God, and now I’ve got my chance.”

LushForLife.com has received exclusive press coverage from Jesus and his staff, and will be closely following this story as the election unfolds during the next several months.

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