Smoke Or Die?

PITTSBURGH – Scientists at the University of Pittsburgh made a ground breaking discovery last week. After extensive research, they came to the conclusion that seven out of ten (urban) new born children are being born with lungs almost incapable of breathing oxygen. A new mutant race of children called Ashtrayan Americans is surviving on a unique blend of 70% carbon monoxide and 30% oxygen. Dr. Joseph Morris of PU explains this bizarre phenomenon in human evolution.

Dr. Morris: We have discovered that the reproductive cells (sperm… i.e., jizz) in males between the ages of thirteen and twenty-nine have mutated. It appears that years of smoking (cigarettes, pot, etc…) and exposure to air pollution has sparked a new kind of evolution. The human body is now adapting to the poisonous gas carbon monoxide. In fact, it is actually converting it into oxygen, so to speak.

I sat down with Dr. Morris to get further explanation.

Bill: Fascinating. So what you’re saying is that people can now actually breathe smoke?

Dr. Morris: Not only can they breathe smoke, they are! In many cases, they have to, just to live. Take, for example, five year old Shaquanda Jackson, a little girl from the Bronx. Shaquanda was smoking four packs of cigarettes a day just to stay alive.

I tried to contact Shaquanda’s mother, Jaquay, for an interview, but my efforts were to no avail. It appears that Jaquay was arrested for purchasing tobacco for a minor and sentenced to five years in a state penitentiary. However, I was able to sit down with Shaquanda’s aunt, who goes only by the name “D”, for an interview. Unfortunately, she only bore bad news.

Bill: Could you tell me what happened to Shaquanda after her mother was incarcerated?

D: Mmm, she died.

Bill: Well, I’m sorry to hear that. Tell me, how was it that she perished?

D: You mean how she died?! Oh, Jesus come lift her body into heaven where she need to be, ’cause her momma ain’t fit to raise no baby girl. Buying a child cigarettes, that be a sin if I ever heard one.

Bill: You are aware that Shaquanda needed to smoke in order to live, aren’t you?

D: Please, I’ve heard all that fancy talk from doctors talking bout she can’t breathe oxygen. Well, God put oxygen on this earth so that we’s could breathe it. Why would God make something, if we wasn’t intended to breathe it? And another thing, I don’t care one bit for all you reporters trying to make them cigarette people more money for printing your stories. Y’all should be ashamed of yourselves.

Bill: So you’re saying Shaquanda didn’t need to smoke cigarettes?

D: Oh, she needed to smoke… She needed to smoke, ‘cause that bitch had a habit! Got it from her momma!

Bill: Ma’am, with all due respect, Shaquanda’s lungs weren’t like other children’s, and her lungs couldn’t inhale pure oxygen. She needed the carbon monoxide in cigarettes to breathe.

D: All I know, is that I caught that girl turning tricks for cigarettes after her momma went to prison, and I told her if she smoked one more cigarette, that I’d whoop her like she ain’t never gonna forget. Then I locked her in her room, and made her sit there all day with no cigarettes, just good clean air, like God meant for.

Bill: When was Shaquanda found dead?

D: The next morning. I went in her room to wake her up for her cereal, and Jesus had come in the middle of the night and carried her off to heaven.

Bill: Right.

America, I implore you, I beseech you, don’t let this happen to another Ashtrayan American. It is our duty as fans of impoverished, deformed children, to see that they have the same bright future and happiness as the rest of the oxygen breathing world. Support our tobacco and automobile industries. You’re not just saving a life; you’re creating a future for our country and our children. If we don’t make the first step in saving Ashtrayan Americans, than we’re lazier than a stoned mexican living on welfare checks.

Bill O’Reilly is a Lush For Life guest writer.

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