Roger Clemens Takes On Brett Favre

HOUSTON – It is believed by many baseball insiders that the real motive behind Roger Clemens taking the mound on the very day that his mother passed away is actually because he is currently engaged in a personal battle with Green Bay Packers Quarterback Brett Favre.

An anonymous source out of MLB Headquarters in New York informed that Clemens, who is pitching in his 21st season in the major leagues, has devoted the remainder of his career to establishing himself as the most devoted athlete to his team and his sport in the rich and vast history of professional sports. Incidentally, quarterback Brett Favre of the Green Bay Packers is also currently pursuing the same goal, according to former Green Bay head coach Mike Holmgren.

“One reason I left Green Bay is because Brett and I had reached a level in our relationship that we could no longer work together on a professional level,” Holmgren told correspondent Arthur Rocks. “His desire for fame, and ultimately a ‘god-like’ status in the eyes of fans, was too much to deal with.” Holmgren went on to say, “All of the tragedy surrounding Brett during the past couple of years seems a bit too convenient to me.”

Though Holmgren’s comments were somewhat surprising, considering the close friendship the two had shared in the past, his point seemed to ring true.

Favre overcoming tragedy has become one of the ongoing clichés in professional sports during the last few years. The first incident of tragedy occurred in December of 2003, as Favre’s father died unexpectedly. In the wake of his father’s death, Favre captured the hearts of sports fans the world over as he took the field the evening after his father’s death and threw five touchdown passes on national television when the Packers played the Oakland Raiders on Monday Night Football. To further entrench himself, his brother-in-law Casey Tynes was killed in an ATV accident on Favre’s property in October of 2004, and two weeks later, Favre’s wife Deanna was diagnosed with breast cancer. Just recently, his mother’s home in Kiln, Mississippi, was destroyed in the passing of Hurricane Katrina. Yet still, Favre always manages to battle through the heartache and loss to keep on playing the sport he loves.

When Brett Favre came into the home office last week for our monthly “Ask Brett!” installment, I asked him to comment on his quest to become the most beloved sports icon of all time:

“Whenever my family faces turmoil, my soul is hurt. I am a huge family man. When I can overcome that adversity I think it gives a lot of people out there hope. That’s all I want to do – give people hope that everything is going to be fine. As long as Brett Favre takes the field, the world will be safe.”

So when Roger Clemens was the starting pitcher on the very day his mother had died, speculation surrounding his true intentions began to run rampant. I sat down with Clemens after the daily press conference following his pitching performance where he allowed only two earned runs and the Houston Astros won 10-2.

When I asked him why he was doing this, he replied, “I’m sick of seeing all the people weeping for Brett Favre. This was supposed to be my place in history, not his. So when my mother was on her death bed, she said to me, ‘Rodge, stick it to him!’, so I’m just doing what my mother would want me to do.” When asked where this disdain for Favre surfaced from, Clemens said, “I hate that backwoods Miss Sipp bastard. I was in the Farrelly Brother’s movie ‘Kingpin’, which I thought was an awesome thing to do. Then he had to come back and have a role in ‘Something About Mary’. He took that away from me, so I’m going to do whatever I can to take this away from him. I’ll kill my wife and my children just before a game begins and then go out and pitch a no-hitter if I have to.”

No matter how demented this feud becomes, sports fans will be able to get what they ultimately want – entertaining and competitive games, and story lines to go along behind the scenes. Whether Clemens overtakes Favre as the most beloved player is still yet to be determined, but one thing is certain – with these two country meat heads, there is no telling how high the body count will grow.



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