Religious Lunatics United In Wake Of Katrina

NEW ORLEANS – Proving that the differences between the various segments of humanity are not really so significant in the wake of great tragedy, extremist religious nut jobs from across the entire spectrum of fairytale-based beliefs put aside their many differences to praise God’s decision to eradicate New Orleans. Extremist leaders of Christians, Muslims, and Jews unanimously identified New Orleans as a leading center of depravity that had invoked divine retribution.

The Reverend Billy Graham said Thursday, “We must pray for the souls of the survivors and the dead in Christian compassion, but let us never forget that the city of New Orleans was the foothold of Satan in the world; an American Sodom, where homosexuals congregated annually for a festival called ‘Southern Decadence’. Though we have patiently witnessed the miracle of God’s word and the power of a personal relationship with our Lord Jesus, the decadent residents of New Orleans took no heed, and, in His wisdom, the Lord has seen fit to eradicate the blemish of New Orleans from our world.”

Islamic fundamentalist and Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden agreed, stating that “New Orleans was nothing more than an American Sodom where homosexuality and other affronts to pious dignity were practiced regularly and openly. Though we strive to show the world how the Godly live, the Great Satan set his foul foot upon the Earth in New Orleans. God, in his wisdom, has decided to eradicate this center of corruption.”

The Reverend Michael Marcavage, spiritual director of the “Repent America” fundamentalist Christian group, concurred. “We must help and pray for those ravaged by this disaster, but let us not forget that the citizens of New Orleans tolerated and welcomed the wickedness in their city for so long. ‘God sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust’. Matthew 5:45.” Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, leader of a religiously oriented uprising against American rule in Iraq linked to Al Qaeda, said on a Muslim extremist website that “[t]he wrath of God fell upon the nation of oppressors. Their dead are in the thousands and their losses are in the billions. They have accommodated wickedness for too long.”

Rabbi Moshe Rothstein, spiritual leader of Beth Yisrael, an ultra-Orthodox synagogue in Atlanta, added, “America twisted the Israeli government’s arm to force them to clear the Gaza settlements. That land belongs to the Jewish people. It says so right in the Bible. And now you think it’s a coincidence that this American city was destroyed the next week? I think not.”

Although the leaders of these disparate groups tend to differ sharply on most other current issues due to the largely incompatible and contradictory books of exaggerated old stories which they base their life philosophies on, the Katrina tragedy has inspired unprecedented interfaith unity. Our major contemporary lunatics all trace their philosophical lineage back to one Abraham, a Middle Eastern schizophrenic, speculated to have lived approximately 4,000 years ago. Though no direct accounts of Abraham’s ravings remain, he seems to have established a metaphysical belief system which later fractured into three major strands. They are united today in their condemnation of homosexuality and nonmarital sexual activity, and in their strong belief in mystical divine retribution for those found morally lacking by the self-appointed interpreters of the myths.

The Rev. Bill Shanks, pastor of New Covenant Fellowship of New Orleans, explained. “New Orleans now is abortion free. New Orleans now is Mardi Gras free. New Orleans now is free of Southern Decadence and the sodomites, the witchcraft workers, false religion — it’s free of all of those things now. God simply, I believe, in His mercy purged all of that stuff out of there — and now we’re going to start over again.”

God was unavailable for comment as of press time, but His secretary promised that future updates on the current nature and location of His wrath would be available via The Weather Channel.

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Hoping to create the world's first perfect FemBot, Mr. Payne achieved his Master's degrees in Artificial Intelligence and Linguistics. After the government pulled his funding, he took a position as a part time correspondent with Lush For Life. He continues to travel the globe, establishing numerous contacts for microchips and silicon enhancements on all seven continents.

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