Oral Sex

There is a type of woman that I am seeing more and more of these days: an unfortunate slag of a girl who is essentially a cock-tease; a walking rape just waiting to happen. These are the ones that start those stupid games like “So… like, where is the craziest place you’ve ever done it?” with a little laugh and a coy smile. Fuck you. I can understand all that – it’s typical idiotic female behavior, but I can never understand how it comes to this point: “You went down on him where? Oh my god! That is so gross!” Then, of course, it’s time to look closely at this poster child for abortion. “What, pray tell, is gross?” I ask, “That she went down on her boyfriend on the back steps of a church or that she went down on him?” Nine times out of ten, the answer is “The going down thing. I mean, it’s so disgusting. I’m not that kind of girl.” I normally have to be held down at this point.

One time, a girl made a statement like that in front of her boyfriend, and he looked a little embarrassed, but what could he do. I, on the other hand, exploded hot steaming verbal stool at the woman. “Are you fucking kidding me? Are you such a prude, such a frigid pilgrim, that you can’t let your poor prick of a boyfriend have a little bit of enjoyment in his life? Are you not satisfied enough with the fact that you are ruining his life with your constant bitching and unwanted presence that you have to refuse to give him the slightest bit of pleasure in the bedroom? BITCH!” At this point I am being restrained and someone is trying to console the crying cunt, but really agreeing with me deep down. When I hear a woman say that she doesn’t give head, I look at them the same way I look at people who tell me they don’t have a cell phone; not for financial reasons, but just that it’s not for them: WHAT?! They still make your model of people? I thought you technophobes and pleasure police died out in the late seventies. How did you survive this far without someone disemboweling you out of frustration? I just want to grab them by the back of the head, slam their faces down into the street, grab their hair and grate their face off onto the tarmac.

This is not like the idiot big shot macho dick-holes who puff up their chests in front of the boys and go off about not eating pussy (but doing it secretly in the bedroom anyway). Those mildly retarded meat heads are embarrassed about it (for god knows what reason), but still probably enjoy it as much as the next guy. These woman think that it’s gross, and often don’t want you to go down on them citing the same reason. This is not a statement that men’s genetalia are disgusting, but that all privates are particularly repugnant. For some reason these are also often the “my body is a temple” women – I just guess there are some parts of the temple they’re not quite comfortable with yet.

I can understand this kind of situation in abuse cases and wack job Christians, but has Western culture become so puritanical that this sort of thing is increasing? I think these girls’ mothers should sit down with them and explain how back in the 60s they were famous for being able to suck a golf ball through a hose pipe. Better yet, they should have had some sort of story by mommy a lot earlier. What about those girls who live for sucking a long stiff one – I’ve met a few who suck on it like it has the antidote. Didn’t some of them talk about that kind of joy in high school? Weren’t the frigid bitches paying attention? The next one of these women I encounter is going to get choked to death with my dick; I just can’t stand it any longer.

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Mr. Idaho is the Managing Director of Lush For Life. When he's not running the business and writing, he enjoys playing golf at St. Andrew's in Scotland, and supervising the development of his family's winery, "Dread God Vineyards", in South Africa. During the summer months, he resides on board his luxurious full-sized yacht off the coast of Hong Kong, snorting cocaine off the breasts of $10,000 female escorts while further developing his off-shore contacts with Japanese and Chinese businessmen.

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