Genetalia Found On White House Lawn

WASHINGTON – A daily wire report submitted to by The Washington Post has reported that a pile of a dozen or so severed penises, presumably once belonging to young boys, judging by their size, were found resting within a heavy duty garbage bag on the front steps of the White House yesterday morning. As reported by The Washington Post, the garbage bag was discovered early Saturday morning by Sharonda Givens, a local female escort and personal guest of Vice President Dick Cheney, when she stepped into a puddle of blood that was dripping out of the bag. When asked about the incident, Givens said:

“I don’t know no damn shit about no little white boy’s wee-wee’s…Alls I know is I ruined my new stiletto heels in puddle of blood comin’ out of that bag.”

The source of the penises is still unknown to both the authorities and the White House staff. White House Chief of Staff Andrew H. Card said in the daily press conference to members of the media:

“Since this horrific discovery has been made, we at the White House are making all efforts possible to determine the source of the penises, and the whereabouts of the young men this uhh, equipment belongs to. The White House investigation team is currently engaged in a meeting with Federal Investigators as well as members of the Washington Police in efforts to construct a plan to uncover more facts. We at the White House are dedicated to this issue, and we will go to any length, whether it means making an off-shore Swiss account to raise funds, to get to the bottom of this dilemma.”

The exact amount of the number of penises was not disclosed by the White House, though it is believed that there were at least a dozen found, and possibly more. Chief of Metropolitan Police Charles H. Ramsey said in a press release:

“The recent event at the White House has our full and undivided attention. I have all of my best investigators on the case. We are currently cross-referencing sexual predator lists in both the D.C. and the greater Maryland area, looking for repeat offenders and possible suspects. We do have some promising leads, but since the matter is currently under investigation, I cannot divulge any further information. All of our prayers are with the victims of this horrible crime – We Will Find You Soon.”

An anonymous source informed that he or she believes the severed penises discovered is not an isolated incident – and this sort of thing was often covered up by White House Administration in the past.

“I remember Dick Nixon stumbling across a bag of bloody labias back in, must have been ’68, because it was one of the first tasks of ‘the cleaners’ to hide the evidence and keep it away from the press,” the source told “I thought it was disgusting and needed to be reported, but he called it National Security. That was the bad old days. I didn’t think it was still happening.”

With mutilated genetalia popping up everywhere, it seems that all of Washington is in disarray. Rest assured that when the next bloody, severed penis pops up, a correspondent from will be there bringing you all the brutal and disgusting facts.



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