Everything You Know Is Wrong

BARCELONA, SPAIN – In a landmark discovery, this week, scientists at the University of Barcelona have come to realize that the original measurement for the millimeter (mm) was calculated incorrectly when it was originally developed a long, long time ago. The ramifications of this, of course, are huge, as now every measurement, calculation and prediction put forth by anyone since then is, indeed, incorrect.

As this is a huge victory for America’s standard of layman’s measurement, it still affects all who are in any type of field that bases in metric.

The distance between the earth and everything else, including the sun, moon and stars, is now known to be much closer. While some people feel that this minute difference is not worth mentioning, it now puts earth in jeopardy of collisions with comets and asteroids much sooner than previously predicted. For instance, the collision with comet A17 that was predicted to occur in May 2012 is now forecasted for sometime early next week.

Of more pressing concern, of course, is that fact that all passports have been rendered null and void, as the photo sizes are all completely incorrect. This may not seem of much importance to many, though, as international flight is useless, anyhow, as planes would be miles off course with the new findings.

With all of this pressing against humanity and towards catastrophic disaster, the question that most have been asking, however, is “So how big is the average penis, now?” Scientists are now working around the clock to answer this most important question first, as we all know that real world decisions are not made by the smartest men, or even the ones with the most military might, but by the men with the largest penises.

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Dr. Egbert Sousé is a columnist and the Senior Editor for Lush For Life.Born and raised in the rural Deep South, Dr. Sousé attended University of Vanderbilt, where he received his Bachelor's Degree in Mass Media, then going on to Georgetown for his Master's, and eventually graduating from Brown University with a Doctorate Degree in English, where he studied under the highly respected writer and journalist Dr. Leonard Epstein.Dr. Sousé has written articles for a variety of publications, including Newsweek, Time, and The Boston Globe.When not working, Dr. Sousé enjoys spending his leisure time at the local horse tracks, where he places two dollar bets and attempts to make contact with extra-terrestrial life.He currently lives in Tampa, Florida, and during the summer months he resides at his remote villa in Key West, Florida, where he enjoys drinking home-made Absinthe while he continues to complete his Great American Novel.

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