Evangelist Bakker Applies For God Job Opening

NASHVILLE – Televangelist and religious figure-head Jim Bakker has applied for the God job opening in Heaven, which has remained vacant since God’s assassination while visiting Dubuque, Iowa on business last month. Bakker submitted the job application through his friend, Jesus, in the form of a prayer, and also via email to Heaven’s website (www.heaven.org), which is how LushForLife.com caught wind of this story that may eventually lead to a possible changing of the hierarchy in Heaven. Bakker has an interview scheduled with Jesus and other Heaven residents later this week, sources say. Along with submitting an application, Bakker also plans on launching a religious campaign to gain popularity.

God’s premature death, last month, shocked the whole religious population the world over. In a press conference last month, Jesus went on the record as saying, “This is a loss that deeply touches us all. However, as my friend, Barbara Streisand, always says, ‘The show must go on.’ The loss of God is a definite setback, but we as God’s children must move forward. I will be temporarily assuming an interim position as God as I and my cabinet members conduct interviews and review job applications until we find the right candidate to permanently fill the position.”

Jim Bakker, who is allegedly the front runner for the job opening, is most well known for being convicted of fraud in 1989, when he stole some 15 million dollars from members of his church’s congregation. Since spending five-plus-years in federal prison, Bakker claims to be a changed man, though both religious experts and avid church goers alike are still weary of him and are dumbfounded by Jesus’ decision to consider Bakker the right man for the job.

Sylvia White, a life-long churchgoer and current resident of Heaven, said, “Jim Bakker just wants to take over. He’s not concerned with the little man up here and our community’s public issues. He’s a greedy, power hungry heathen.” When asked if praising Bakker would feel the same as praising God, White responded, “I sure hope so…We do so much god-damn praying around here. I guess I can’t say that anymore. I’ll have to start saying Bakker-damn.”

Tammie Faye Bakker, Jim Bakker’s wife who is beloved by the majority of the God-fearing community, said in a press conference yesterday to the media:

“We are just overjoyed that our lord and savior, Jesus Christ, would even consider us for this prestigious God Appointment. Sitting on Heaven’s management team and making important decisions for the religious world has always been a dream of both mine and Jim’s. If selected, Jim will be the best God any Jew, Gentile, Nigger, Sand Nigger, Gay Nigger, Dot Head, Towel Head, Faggot, or Methodist could hope for.”

The Bakker’s are expected to begin their Godship campaign, “Sword of the Apocalypse: Bakker for God!” later this month, where the Bakker’s will hold religious rallies scheduled in forty states in thirty days. The tour will kick off in Dubuque, Iowa, at the site where God was gunned down, with a candlelight vigil held at dusk to honor the fallen Father, followed by a decadent extravaganza of drunkenness, false-idol worship, child molestations and orgies.

Jesus has yet to schedule a deadline for the final decision on God’s eventual successor.

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