Ask Emma

Amanda from Texas wrote:

Dear Emma,

I think my boyfriend is cheating on me. How can I find out if he is?

Dear Amanda,

The answer to this is quite simple… SLEEP WITH ALL OF HIS FRIENDS! This is a sure fire way to find out if he is cheating on you. As soon as he finds out that you screwed all of his friends, he will be filled with so much anger and jealousy that he will immediately confess to every time he ever cheated on you, just to hurt your feelings. However, if it turns out that he hasn’t cheated on you, well… then… mozeltov! You’re a big, gigantic whore. Sorry. In conclusion, give it a shot and hopefully everything will work itself out.

Jonathan from New York wrote:

Dear Emma,

I have a problem with premature ejaculation. It’s really upsetting my girlfriend, and I think it’s hurting our relationship. Do you have any suggestions?

Dear Jonathan,

You have to accept the fact that your girlfriend is having an affair. Obviously your penis is broken, so she must be getting her satisfaction elsewhere. Are you done crying yet? Good, lets move on then, shall we? This is what you need to do; first, you have to tell her that the only way you can refrain from climaxing is if she only has sex with you doggy style. Next, you will have to get a picture of your mother and tape it to back of your girlfriend’s head. If she asks you what you’re doing back there, just tell her to shut up. I guarantee this will cure you of your premature ejaculation.

P.S. if you try this, and you still climax too soon, GET HELP IMMEDIATELY!

Susan from California wrote:

Dear Emma,

I’m addicted to cocaine. What should I do? Please help!

Dear Susan,

Well, I always say: “The best remedy for an old addiction is a new one.” I hear alcoholism is still in. Try binge drinking every night. If that doesn’t satiate your hunger for cocaine, maybe a nice psychological illness will; something like self-mutilation or perhaps an eating disorder.

Good luck, and thanks for writing.

Alex from Maryland wrote:

Dear Emma,

I’m flunking all of my classes in college. I don’t understand why, because I got straight A’s in high school. Could you give me some advice?

Dear Alex,

Let me make sure I understand what you told me. You received straight A’s in high school, but you are now failing college, right? The reason you’re failing all of your college courses seems quite obvious to me. It’s because you’re a fucking idiot! Any brain dead troglodyte with the ability to pay attention and follow directions could pass a high school course. Perhaps college is actually challenging you to think and be creative, in which case, you are way out of your element. I suggest you drop out of college and consider something less challenging like selling drugs or working at a Discount Auto Parts store.

Thanks for writing. I hope everything works out for you.

P.S. Do you pop the collar up on your pink polo shirt?

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