BARCELONA, SPAIN – In a landmark discovery, this week, scientists at the University of Barcelona have come to realize that the original measurement for the millimeter (mm) was calculated incorrectly when it was originally developed a long, long time ago. The ramifications of this, of course, are huge, as now every measurement, calculation and prediction put forth by anyone since then is, indeed, incorrect. Continue Reading

HOUSTON – It is believed by many baseball insiders that the real motive behind Roger Clemens taking the mound on the very day that his mother passed away is actually because he is currently engaged in a personal battle with Green Bay Packers Quarterback Brett Favre. Continue Reading

Amanda from Texas wrote:

Dear Emma,

I think my boyfriend is cheating on me. How can I find out if he is?

Dear Amanda,

The answer to this is quite simple… SLEEP WITH ALL OF HIS FRIENDS! This is a sure fire way to find out if he is cheating on you. As soon as he finds out that you screwed all of his friends, he will be filled with so much anger and jealousy that he will immediately confess to every time he ever cheated on you, just to hurt your feelings. However, if it turns out that he hasn’t cheated on you, well… then… mozeltov! You’re a big, gigantic whore. Sorry. In conclusion, give it a shot and hopefully everything will work itself out. Continue Reading

In a monthly periodical, you, the readers of LushForLife.com, can submit questions to Danny Albertson, and he will forward a handful of them to Brett Favre in their monthly sit down Q&A.

Danny Albertson: Brett, I can’t explain to you how honored I am to be able to spend this time with you. Ever since Rob Johnson retired from football, you’ve been, hands down, the best quarterback in the league. Continue Reading

NEW ORLEANS – Proving that the differences between the various segments of humanity are not really so significant in the wake of great tragedy, extremist religious nut jobs from across the entire spectrum of fairytale-based beliefs put aside their many differences to praise God’s decision to eradicate New Orleans. Extremist leaders of Christians, Muslims, and Jews unanimously identified New Orleans as a leading center of depravity that had invoked divine retribution. Continue Reading

There is a type of woman that I am seeing more and more of these days: an unfortunate slag of a girl who is essentially a cock-tease; a walking rape just waiting to happen. These are the ones that start those stupid games like “So… like, where is the craziest place you’ve ever done it?” with a little laugh and a coy smile. Fuck you. I can understand all that – it’s typical idiotic female behavior, but I can never understand how it comes to this point: “You went down on him where? Oh my god! That is so gross!” Then, of course, it’s time to look closely at this poster child for abortion. “What, pray tell, is gross?” I ask, “That she went down on her boyfriend on the back steps of a church or that she went down on him?” Nine times out of ten, the answer is “The going down thing. I mean, it’s so disgusting. I’m not that kind of girl.” I normally have to be held down at this point. Continue Reading

NASHVILLE – Televangelist and religious figure-head Jim Bakker has applied for the God job opening in Heaven, which has remained vacant since God’s assassination while visiting Dubuque, Iowa on business last month. Bakker submitted the job application through his friend, Jesus, in the form of a prayer, and also via email to Heaven’s website (www.heaven.org), which is how LushForLife.com caught wind of this story that may eventually lead to a possible changing of the hierarchy in Heaven. Bakker has an interview scheduled with Jesus and other Heaven residents later this week, sources say. Along with submitting an application, Bakker also plans on launching a religious campaign to gain popularity. Continue Reading

WASHINGTON – A daily wire report submitted to LushForLife.com by The Washington Post has reported that a pile of a dozen or so severed penises, presumably once belonging to young boys, judging by their size, were found resting within a heavy duty garbage bag on the front steps of the White House yesterday morning. As reported by The Washington Post, the garbage bag was discovered early Saturday morning by Sharonda Givens, a local female escort and personal guest of Vice President Dick Cheney, when she stepped into a puddle of blood that was dripping out of the bag. When asked about the incident, Givens said: Continue Reading

PITTSBURGH – Scientists at the University of Pittsburgh made a ground breaking discovery last week. After extensive research, they came to the conclusion that seven out of ten (urban) new born children are being born with lungs almost incapable of breathing oxygen. A new mutant race of children called Ashtrayan Americans is surviving on a unique blend of 70% carbon monoxide and 30% oxygen. Dr. Joseph Morris of PU explains this bizarre phenomenon in human evolution. Continue Reading

LOS ANGELES – Talk radio personality Phil Hendrie, host of The Phil Hendrie Show, a comedy program which broadcasts on talk radio affiliates across the country, allegedly does not air “fake guests”: the voices heard on his program are actually the voices of real people proposing ridiculous and outlandish opinions, sources said. Continue Reading