WASHINGTON – In a security memo submitted to the White House on Thursday, Homeland Security has warned of a possible attack by zombies on U.S. soil. In response, security execs have asked the president to add another color, gut-wrenching gray, to the Terror-Alert Chart.
Though a zombie attack at first seemed impossible, top scientists at Harvard and Columbia Universities have stepped forward to disclose new information regarding the possibility of zombie uprisings across the U.S. According to Dr. Howard Herzog of Harvard University, the ever-rising mercury levels of Alaskan salmon has directly helped to lead to this possible threat, as more people who ingest said salmon die off; naturally or otherwise. The mercury, however faint, once mixed with a standard embalming process, causes dead human tissue to reanimate. As for the craving of human brain, Dr. Leonard Snitzer of Columbia University offers: “When a human being has, eh, died, and is then, to say, reborn, he loses all mortal, eh, inhibitions. Everyone, well, everyone knows that the, hmm, tastiest delicacy on the planet is, eh, human brain, so to speak, ha-ha, it’s a no-brainer!” Dr. Snitzer is currently being evaluated at the psychiatric ward at Cedars-Sinai.
President Bush released the following statement on Thursday: “I am saddened by this finding by the Homeland Security department, and will be sure to show the American people that I have the utmost testicular fortitude and resolve to resolve this problem to a resolution.” When asked what he plans to do to curb the possible threat, Bush offered these words of reassurance: “I’ll have to think about that. Just don’t blink.” Karl Rove could not be reached to translate.
Bush has also released a memo to senior members of the CIA, ordering that all suspected zombies be arrested and transferred to the now defunct terrorist “happy camp” at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Lance Feldinger, Esquire, of the Washington branch of the ACLU, calls the memo “offensive, base, and crude” and has threatened to follow suit on behalf of the first person to be arrested under the new act.
The former Leroy Van Mouser, of New Orleans, LA, was arrested Thursday night following the release of the memo on “suspicion of reanimation” and sent to Cuba the next morning without trial. In communiqués to Feldinger, he has expressed his disdain for the intolerance that he has received from the U.S. government. “He is very upset, at least as far as I can tell. He must be in terrible pain, as loud moaning and groaning about ‘brains’ is all I can get from him. It is obvious that the soldiers down there are dehumanizing him in unspeakable ways. I pray for his family.”
Van Mouser was originally declared deceased Tuesday morning after a rare form of colon cancer took its toll. He was embalmed on Wednesday, awaiting his funeral that was to take place on Friday. By Thursday morning, however, he was “alive” again and carrying on as normal, while searching the French Quarter for sustenance. By Thursday evening, his condition was declared illegal, and he subsequently was arrested.
The option of ceasing embalming of dead persons has also been considered to remove the zombie threat. However, the risk of rotting corpses being placed for viewing at funeral parlors is upsetting many Catholics and funeral directors. James Stradler, director of operations of Stradler, Stradler, and Buck funeral home in Washington, voiced his opposition to the idea in a community meeting. Says Stradler: “I would rather fight hordes of zombies in the trenches of Washington than allow one rotting vessel of a soul to disgrace my humble abode. Plus, they stink like [expletive].”
Until the zombie threat is eliminated, Washington has declared Terror-Alert gray to be activated, and is asking for vigilance from all citizens of the United States. With a last-minute statement of encouragement from President Bush, all peoples of America have been deputized as zombie hunters. “Tonight, as your president, I ask you all to be vigilant in the fight against the zombies and to stand strong against this threat to yours and mines [sic] freedom. Peace be with you all. Amen.” He then boarded Air Force One en route to destination unknown.
