Damn Those Radio Shows

I turn on the radio and hear a very well spoken man with a British accent mentioning the word “Mayan”. My ears perk up because I have always had an amateur interest in ancient human culture, and this man appears to be an expert of some sorts and I have never turned down a bit of free edu-ma-cation.

And the link between the Mayans and the Egyptians is evident in the common pyramid structures that both cultures were building at the same time.

Interesting, but I have heard this line of argument before, and become slightly weary.

Their buildings rival the technology of today, and their massive pictograms can only be seen from the air. This means that either these cultures had the technology to build these objects and design these pictures, which would mean the need for flying craft, or, more likely, they had help from extra-terrestrial visitors.

I fucking lose it.

Another dick-lick-conspiracy-theory-aliens-are-here-the- government-is-trying-to-screw-us (in ways other than the commonly accepted)- and-the-end-of-the-world-is-coming-show, probably originating some where out of New Mexico.

What the fucking hell is wrong with these people. Fuck the ancient Mayans. What did they do? These radio-fuck-offs are stumped by a few giant pictures cut into the earth? I am typing this, sitting on a plastic bench in a subway station in Nagoya, Japan, on a 12-inch Apple Power Book and the site is hosted in Florida – were the Mayans so advanced that they had plastic benches!!!?? NO! Flying craft? Please. Aliens? Go fuck yourself. Why do these people continuously assume that things were better in the past? The only advanced thing that the Mayans did was routine human sacrifice. We could do with a little more of that these days, starting with a few of these cocksuckers. The truth of the matter is that the human brain is just the same in size, power and mushiness that it was 5000 years ago; go beat your roommate’s head in with your keyboard and check it out for yourself. They had the same brains that have brought you the wheel, quantum physics, electricity, the Internet, Las Vegas, and those three-foot long lawn mower engine vibrators.

So how difficult is it, really, to create images only viewable from a couple of hundred feet up? Here: try this on for size. Close your eyes (after you’ve read this bit of course) and picture the dumbest modern day stereotype you can. It’s ok; you can close your eyes now. It’s a cheerleader, isn’t it? A freaking big-titted blonde moron (whom you would bed regardless of her IQ ? or even sadder – her put-on IQ.) Am I right? Of course, I am. Now think about this. Have you ever seen those halftime football game shows? You know, the ones where sixty Playboy rejects form complex patterns of and words, rotating floral patterns, corporate logos, and genitalia. Okay, well, not the last one. How is this possible? Did Ms. 700 SAT hop aboard the Goodyear and fly over the stadium with a megaphone? No, of course not (but that may have been her first idea.) She sat down, with twenty other morons (these kind of girls do everything by committee) and they drew it out on paper. Then they draw out the field and then practice the damn thing a few times and BAM! Aliens helped them.

Why are people continuously looking down on our ancestors? Couldn’t the Egyptians have made the Pyramids themselves? Couldn’t the Greeks have come up with a few clever formulas by just thinking about it? And couldn’t the fucking Mayans get a break for just once? I find that the people who are most likely to jump to the “well people back then just didn’t have the capacity or technology to do these kinds of things” are the same type of people who can’t wrap their heads around the first law of relativity – or something equally important and fundamental and took a bit of a leap in thinking to achieve. Open your eyes people; there are tougher things in the world than working out how to get some big blocks from one place to another. Try thinking for example.



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Mr. Idaho is the Managing Director of Lush For Life. When he's not running the business and writing, he enjoys playing golf at St. Andrew's in Scotland, and supervising the development of his family's winery, "Dread God Vineyards", in South Africa. During the summer months, he resides on board his luxurious full-sized yacht off the coast of Hong Kong, snorting cocaine off the breasts of $10,000 female escorts while further developing his off-shore contacts with Japanese and Chinese businessmen.

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