Ten Rules Of Dating

I took ten different women out on ten different dates to find out the secret behind that age-old mystery: what do women really look for in a man?

Rule Number One: Never pay for anything! In fact, try to get the woman to pay for you. Women like men who are confident. If you pay for her dinner or her movie ticket, it’s like you’re telling her: “I think you’re better than me.” Never pay for anything!

Rule Number Two: Slap her in the face. Women don’t like men who seem too interested. What I suggest is taking her to a party where all of your friends are. Then wait for her to say something while you’re talking to your friends, as soon as she opens her mouth, swiftly slap her across the face with the back of your hand and say, “Bitch, I told you to mind your mouth when I’m with my friends!” This will also let her know that you’re stronger than her, which might be useful later if a relationship develops.

Rule Number Three: Hit on her friends. Why not?

Rule Number Four: Talk about yourself the entire date. Women want a man who seems interesting. Don’t let her think that she is more interesting than you. As a matter of fact, if you can, interrupt her every time she tries to talk. Let her know that you have better things to worry about than what she thinks.

Rule Number Five: At some point in the evening, get drunk and pass out. Women are caretakers by nature. They like to nurture. By passing out and forcing her to look after you, you will make her feel needed.

Rule Number Six: Go through her purse while she’s in the bathroom. Women love to keep secrets, but you don’t want to end up with a psycho. Invading her privacy will give you an opportunity to find out who she really is. I recommend finding her cell phone and calling an ex-boyfriend. Ask him personal questions about her. If you get caught, just say, “Your phone rang, so I answered it. I thought it might be an emergency.” The perfect lie.

Rule Number Seven: Lie! Women are judgmental and petty. If she asks you where you work, tell her you’re a successful attorney. If she asks you about your ex-girlfriends, tell her they all died in a plane crash. If she asks you what your future plans are, tell her you want to save the Rainforest with the money you make from prosecuting child molesters. Lying is a great way to make yourself look better than you really are.

Rule Number Eight: Smack her on the ass. Women like assertiveness. Let her know who she belongs to, and let her know what’s going down later tonight!

Rule Number Nine: Offer her sex. You won’t get what you don’t ask for.

Rule Number Ten: If she doesn’t seem interested in you, break Rule Number One and buy her lots of drinks! Sure, she’ll think you’re a wimp for spending all of your money on her, but by the end of the night she’ll be so drunk it won’t matter. After all, you gots to get yours!

There you have it: the secrets to what every woman looks for in a man. So, the next time you take a women on a date, follow these ten simple rules, and I promise she will fall in love with you…or at least give you a sweet-ass hand job.

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