Reading Lowers IQ, Study Suggests

SAN FRANCISCO – A new study conducted by the University of California-Berkley’s Psychology Department suggests that reading in either limited amounts or compulsively actually lowers the IQ of the reader. Dr. Donald Deveau, head of the Psychology Department at UC-Berkley, said, “In the studies we have conducted in the last six weeks, we have determined that reading books from printed text reduces the reader’s IQ. Results were most severe in subjects from the ages of six to thirteen years old, reducing the reader’s intelligence quotient by about a quarter point for every 500 words read.”

As for Deveau’s scientific explanation for this problem, he went on to explain: “When a person reads words, their neurons become ‘fried’, or they experience a synaptic burnout. The more someone reads the same word, the worse the condition becomes, and the longer or more complex the word is, the more severe each synaptic burn becomes. Therefore, the longer the book, or the more diverse the vocabulary the book contains, the more damage the text can do.

“On the contrary, during our study we’ve also concluded the only thing that counteracts this effect is special wavelengths emitted by televisions and computer screens. For every hour a person spends in front of a television screen or computer monitor, the burned neuron is restored by twenty-five percent.” Deveau continued, “We’ve found the best synaptic recovery comes from viewing sitcoms on television and pornography on computers. These things require less mental stimuli and will allow neurons to recover more rapidly and, in turn, will make you ‘smarter’.”

When the results of the study were discovered, they were submitted by Dean Gordon Rausser of UC-Berkley to major news outlets, television networks, and Internet providers. As a result, the CEOs of MTV, Turner Broadcasting, Disney, and Microsoft have all joined together to found the National Association of Zealous Illiterates, an organization designed to fight this growing epidemic. MTV’s CEO Brent Hansen said in a written statement:

“We at MTV have joined together with several other media outlets in a unified pact to stop reading by Americans everywhere, and halt this horrible disorder plaguing us. We at MTV are dedicated to keep pumping our broadcasting into every home all over the world at whatever cost.”

Lenora Lenin, who is on the board of directors for NAZI, said the organization is ready to begin implementing several strategies designed to discourage reading, which they are calling their “Anti-Word Campaign”.

“We have received approval in California and New Hampshire to begin removing all textbooks from classrooms and inserting large screen high-definition televisions in their place,” Lenin said. “Our goal is that by 2007, all classrooms in the United States will be aided by networks like MTV and Disney to carry out the learning process for our youth through television.

“We also have other plans of implementing our Anti-Word Campaign,” Lenin continued. “We have been in contact with legislators from Alabama and Mississippi about a plan to deconstruct all libraries in their respective states, and burn all the books contained within them, and are currently awaiting approval to begin the destruction.” When asked what would replace libraries, Lenin replied, “We have plans to install Starbucks Super Coffee Houses in their place, and each location will have a theatre sized projection screen where, in conjunction with Disney and MTV, we will broadcast neuron-enhancing programming twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Eventually, every city in America will be safe.”

The idea that reading is making us dumber scares Americans everywhere. It appears that with no end in sight, the only safe refuge will be into the steady hands of MTV, Disney, and NAZI. Rest assured that because this story is projected from a computer monitor, you haven’t gotten any dumber by reading it. Or have you?

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