Pre-menstrual Syndrome Induces Werewolfism

BUFFALO – Newly wed Henry Lancaster, an unemployed beer distributor, was mutilated by his wife of one month, Linda Lancaster, in his Buffalo, NY home Wednesday night. Henry, like many other borderline retard Americans, was quietly watching his favorite VH1 reality show Hogan Knows Best when suddenly he was viciously attacked and maimed by his pre-menstruating werewolf-wife, Linda. Henry stated; “I was just sitting on my ass watching Hogan Knows Best, drinking a Budweiser, when Linda came home from her job at Wal-Mart. She walks in the door, and the first thing she does is plop her ass down on the couch. So I says: ‘Are you gonna cook dinner, or should I just wish for a meatloaf until one pops out of my ass?’” Henry went on to say, “The next thing I know, she starts growing all this hair in weird places, and gets this mad look on her face. Five minutes later I’m unconscious on the ground.” Henry regained consciousness four days later in the intensive care unit at the Mercy Hospital of Buffalo, after he was discovered by his best friend, Bill Schmitt, who stated, “I went over to Henry’s place to play cards, like we do every Wednesday night, and I just found him there on the floor. So I threw him in the back of my pickup truck, and drove him to the ER.” Henry sustained permanent injuries to his head, chest, neck, spine, and genitalia.

Linda Lancaster was apprehended by animal control officials later that evening while “squatting a piss on her neighbor’s front lawn.” At the time, her identity was unknown. The following morning, Linda awoke as her normal self, and was then transported to the local police station. When questioned by police officers, Linda explained: “Every month, just before I get my period, I turn into a werewolf. The only people who have ever known about this are my parents.” She further went on to explain: “You see, all my life I’ve lived with my parents. Every month when this occurred, they would lock me in the basement until it was over. This was the first month I lived away from home, and Henry had no idea that I was a werewolf. I always feared that if I told him, he wouldn’t want to be with me anymore.”

Henry Lancaster has since filed for divorce from Linda, and is also pressing charges for battery and attempted murder. If found guilty, Linda could spend up to ten years in prison, and once a month she would be relocated to the local pound for a period (no pun intended) of five to seven days. She has also been court ordered to wear a leash when out in public, as well as a collar and tags.

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