DUBUQUE, IOWA – In a perception-bending event, the existence of God, Man, and indeed Earth itself has been called into question as God was murdered by a lone, suicidal gunman on Tuesday. The sniper felled The Holy Redeemer with a single shot from a bolt action, military issue rifle and then turned the gun on himself. They were both declared dead on arrival at, ironically, The Most Holy Redeemer Hospital in Dubuque. God’s wound was said to have entered between his eyes and exited the back of his cranium, leaving a two-inch exit wound. He is said to have died instantly. Continue Reading

I took ten different women out on ten different dates to find out the secret behind that age-old mystery: what do women really look for in a man?

Rule Number One: Never pay for anything! In fact, try to get the woman to pay for you. Women like men who are confident. If you pay for her dinner or her movie ticket, it’s like you’re telling her: “I think you’re better than me.” Never pay for anything!

Rule Number Two: Slap her in the face. Women don’t like men who seem too interested. What I suggest is taking her to a party where all of your friends are. Then wait for her to say something while you’re talking to your friends, as soon as she opens her mouth, swiftly slap her across the face with the back of your hand and say, “Bitch, I told you to mind your mouth when I’m with my friends!” This will also let her know that you’re stronger than her, which might be useful later if a relationship develops.

Rule Number Three: Hit on her friends. Why not?

Rule Number Four: Talk about yourself the entire date. Women want a man who seems interesting. Don’t let her think that she is more interesting than you. As a matter of fact, if you can, interrupt her every time she tries to talk. Let her know that you have better things to worry about than what she thinks.

Rule Number Five: At some point in the evening, get drunk and pass out. Women are caretakers by nature. They like to nurture. By passing out and forcing her to look after you, you will make her feel needed.

Rule Number Six: Go through her purse while she’s in the bathroom. Women love to keep secrets, but you don’t want to end up with a psycho. Invading her privacy will give you an opportunity to find out who she really is. I recommend finding her cell phone and calling an ex-boyfriend. Ask him personal questions about her. If you get caught, just say, “Your phone rang, so I answered it. I thought it might be an emergency.” The perfect lie.

Rule Number Seven: Lie! Women are judgmental and petty. If she asks you where you work, tell her you’re a successful attorney. If she asks you about your ex-girlfriends, tell her they all died in a plane crash. If she asks you what your future plans are, tell her you want to save the Rainforest with the money you make from prosecuting child molesters. Lying is a great way to make yourself look better than you really are.

Rule Number Eight: Smack her on the ass. Women like assertiveness. Let her know who she belongs to, and let her know what’s going down later tonight!

Rule Number Nine: Offer her sex. You won’t get what you don’t ask for.

Rule Number Ten: If she doesn’t seem interested in you, break Rule Number One and buy her lots of drinks! Sure, she’ll think you’re a wimp for spending all of your money on her, but by the end of the night she’ll be so drunk it won’t matter. After all, you gots to get yours!

There you have it: the secrets to what every woman looks for in a man. So, the next time you take a women on a date, follow these ten simple rules, and I promise she will fall in love with you…or at least give you a sweet-ass hand job.

MIANUS, RI – Mianus is a small town in Rhode Island that most people have never been to or even heard of. Today, I have decided to embark on a journey to this unique and magical place to find out what really goes on in Mianus.

Mianus is full of rich and colorful characters. All walks of life come to Mianus. Some come to get away, while others come hoping to fulfill their wildest dreams. The truth of the matter is, though, it doesn’t matter what you’re doing in Mianus. If you’re in Mianus, you’re bound to have a good time. Continue Reading

NEW HAVEN – A new pidgin-language, “Brobonics”, has just become an official language as of today, when Yale announced that they would now be offering a Brobonics course. Surprisingly, many scholars (including many of Yale’s very own English professors) are outraged by this decision, saying that Brobonics is a desecration of the English language. However, linguists all across the nation are saying that they beg to differ. Linguistics major, Professor Steven B. Leroy will be teaching the course. I sat down with Professor Leroy this morning to get an inside look at what many are calling, “a new and exciting language!” Continue Reading

LYNCHBURG, VA – August 1st, 2005. F.B.I. officials raided fundementalist Baptist minister Jerry Falwell’s Virginia home at 9:00a.m. F.B.I. agent Mark Mathers received an anonymous tip that Falwell had been filming pornographic movies in his home and then posting them on various websites under the pseudonym Dick Dangling. Mathers insists that he does not know the identity of his source. However, Falwell’s attorneys are making allegations that Larry Flynt was the mastermind behind the entire scandal in an attempt to frame Falwell. When asked to comment, Flynt said, “If I knew Jerry was making films, I would have gave him a job.” Continue Reading

HOLLYWOOD – A Hollywood insider tipped me off to a possible conspiracy to take over the world involving sometimes popular, though often maligned actor/director Kevin Costner. This anonymous source alluded to the idea that the reason Costner’s popularity has not been swayed by repetitive flop after flop in the box office is because Costner is in fact an alien, and has long standing ties with other suspected aliens who control various powerful positions in the world. When I asked my source what kind of information he or she had to prove such an outlandish accusation, he or she simply replied: “Just look at the facts. It would appear to a clear-thinking individual that no matter what Mr. Costner does, he always seems to benefit.” Continue Reading

TAMPA, FL – It’s official: everything is stupid. On Thursday, July 10, 2005, Dr. C. Carl Kent, a professor at the University of South Florida with a PhD in psychology, scientifically proved that literally everything is stupid. Kent actually administered IQ tests on anything and everything he could get his hands on to evaluate the intelligence of “everything”. Let’s take a look at the IQ scores of “everything”.

The results are shocking: Each of the people, plants, animals, objects, and “things” listed below were given one hour to complete a standardized IQ test. Continue Reading

BERLIN – One of my international sources informed me, earlier this week, of a growing story happening in Germany, where world-renowned chef Apfel Strudahl prepared a human carcass for several members of the Bundestag for a formal dinner. Knowing my great interest in disgusting affairs, my source forwarded this information to me via the morning LushForLife.com wire report, and as soon as I heard of this story, I flew to Berlin, thanks to the endless expense account LushForLife.com’s Senior Executive Duncan Idaho provides, to meet with this chef and get the whole story. Continue Reading

MANCHESTER, UK – Joel Glazer, the new Co-President of Football Operations for Manchester United, has allegedly been seen at Sven’s Decadence, a slimy, well-known brothel located in the slums of Manchester. Glazer has reportedly been seen on a number of occasions entering and leaving the darkened establishment, sometimes in a well-lubed drunken stupor, other times with a various selection of under-aged minority prostitutes. Former actor-cum-litigator Danny Aiello, now a close friend and spokesman for the Glazer family, later said in a press release, “For the record, I’d like to let you all know that Joel is fine. He is a well-rounded human being who is determined to make a difference in not only the life of his family, but also to further the progression of the Manchester United franchise, and life for Jews the world over. As far as the allegations are concerned, we have no comment.”

Joel’s father, Malcolm Glazer, has recently gained majority control of the Manchester United football franchise, which is the most profitable sports franchise in the world. The hostile takeover by the Glazer family during the past several months has gained both local and international attention and scrutiny. When correspondent Arthur Rocks asked Mr. Glazer of what kind of effect his son’s alleged behavior may have on the public image of his family, he responded, “You place the peg into the lower four, meanwhile selecting three further points of entry…[grunting sounds].” Since Mr. Glazer’s comments were rather vague, it is unclear how the organization will decide how to handle this turbulent public issue. Continue Reading

SILICON VALLEY, CA – Was the decision for Apple to move from IBM to Intel chips purely a business move? New photos leaked exclusively to LushForLife.com may prove foul play. The graphic images show Apple (and more recently, Ikea) CEO Steven Jobs, in numerous compromising positions with another man. “The (unidentified) man is actually an Intel employee”, said a source close to the story, “and he was paid by Intel to infiltrate…Jobs.”

With IBM PowerPC chips being gobbled up for the next generation of gaming systems, many have speculated that Apple’s departure from Big Blue’s client A-list won’t sting too badly. However, there has been rumor amongst the IT community that the real sting will come from the breakup of the affair between the two men leading the giants. Jobs and IBM CEO Sam Palmisano have been rumored to have been seeing each other romantically for around nine months, the average life expectancy of a homosexual relationship (source: RushLimbaugh.com), and recently broke off the sinful tussle after Palmisano, 58, found five black and white eight-by-ten photographs of Jobs and the as yet unidentified man in a FedEx package from Richmond, VA. Continue Reading