Man Kills God, Self


DUBUQUE, IOWA – In a perception-bending event, the existence of God, Man, and indeed Earth itself has been called into question as God was murdered by a lone, suicidal gunman on Tuesday. The sniper felled The Holy Redeemer with a single shot from a bolt action, military issue rifle and then turned the gun on himself. They were both declared dead on arrival at, ironically, The Most Holy Redeemer Hospital in Dubuque. God’s wound was said to have entered between his eyes and exited the back of his cranium, leaving a two-inch exit wound. He is said to have died instantly.

The gunman, James Wray Stephens, of nearby Des Moines, is said to be a lifelong doomsayer, with many records of his belief of end times nearing available. His police record includes at least twelve arrests after fights with pedestrians following arguments of prophecies and predictions of the end of the world. He is quoted as saying, “God is a fucker. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t love me. He just wants all of us to get our hopes up about high-living and happiness just so he can stick His Holy Cock in us in the end as we beg for mercy and he laughs.”

God, resident of Heaven, was a lifelong doer of good-deeds and miracles before He was struck down on Tuesday. He is reported to have been in Dubuque on a good will mission to restore health to a nun dying of cervical cancer. He was en route to his appointment, and the nun has also since perished.

Christians the world over are mourning His death as they prepare for His funeral service, which will be televised live on most major news channels.

President George Bush is scheduled to be in attendance. He released a statement to the associated press shortly after the assassination detailing his plans now that he no longer is able to ask God for assistance in foreign affairs and all matters political. “I will not be resigning, as many Americans have assumed, as I still have other high powers of assistance. They are top secret, though.” Many scholarly theologists have theorized that Bush may be speaking of Satan, or, more to the disdain of the American public, Allah, as evidenced by Bush’s proposed peace treaty with Iraq, Iran, North Korea, and Nigeria that would release America’s most confidential atomic secrets in exchange for their alliance with the US to combat freedom lovers worldwide, including Canada, Norway, and Switzerland.

Paramount, of course, is the question of the existence of God. Of course, now that His existence has been proven, many people are asking of themselves what to do now. Obviously, the doorway to Heaven is closed to all further souls, and some people are in a panic. Looting and rioting has occurred in almost every major city in the US, and the death rate of annoying pricks has skyrocketed. Abortions are up, as well as unprotected sex between gays, as well as with minors and senior citizens. Churches nationwide have been turned into pornographic shops, revealing the church’s true desire to make money; and not to save people’s eternally damned souls. Reverend Jerry Falwell was filmed committing anal rape on his own mother, and was so blatant about it that he smiled and waved to the video camera. Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton have also been caught unrepentantly committing “mortal sins”, including bestiality and back alley clothes hanger abortions for unwed teen mothers, respectively.

Jesus is expected to make a statement to His flock on Thursday, following his salon appointment and before he boards Air Christ One for a weeklong gambling jaunt in Sin City, Las Vegas.

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Dr. Egbert Sousé is a columnist and the Senior Editor for Lush For Life.Born and raised in the rural Deep South, Dr. Sousé attended University of Vanderbilt, where he received his Bachelor's Degree in Mass Media, then going on to Georgetown for his Master's, and eventually graduating from Brown University with a Doctorate Degree in English, where he studied under the highly respected writer and journalist Dr. Leonard Epstein.Dr. Sousé has written articles for a variety of publications, including Newsweek, Time, and The Boston Globe.When not working, Dr. Sousé enjoys spending his leisure time at the local horse tracks, where he places two dollar bets and attempts to make contact with extra-terrestrial life.He currently lives in Tampa, Florida, and during the summer months he resides at his remote villa in Key West, Florida, where he enjoys drinking home-made Absinthe while he continues to complete his Great American Novel.

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