LYNCHBURG, VA – August 1st, 2005. F.B.I. officials raided fundementalist Baptist minister Jerry Falwell’s Virginia home at 9:00a.m. F.B.I. agent Mark Mathers received an anonymous tip that Falwell had been filming pornographic movies in his home and then posting them on various websites under the pseudonym Dick Dangling. Mathers insists that he does not know the identity of his source. However, Falwell’s attorneys are making allegations that Larry Flynt was the mastermind behind the entire scandal in an attempt to frame Falwell. When asked to comment, Flynt said, “If I knew Jerry was making films, I would have gave him a job.”
When officials searched Falwell’s home, they found not only homemade pornographic videos in Falwell?s video cabinet, but they also discovered several pornographic movies saved on Falwell’s computer. According to officials, the content of the videos ranged from everything including, sexual acts performed on animals to “underage boys packing fudge faster than Willy Wonka on a coke-binge.” Mathers stated: “If I could take the law into my own hands, I would tie him to a post and have him sodomized by lumber jacks while I watch and masturbate!” He then immediately said, “Please don’t print that last part.”
Falwell was also arrested on drug charges. According to officials, Falwell was high on the psychotropic drug PCP. When asked to comment, Falwell, in the words of James Brown, said, “I was merely high on life.”
When further asked to explain the pornography found in his home, Falwell said, “The Devil put that filth in my house.” Clearly, this proves Falwell was, in fact, “high” on something. Nonetheless, despite Falwell’s “high on life” claim, F.B.I. agents found several different narcotics, ranging from heroin to GHB, loosely scattered throughout his home. In addition, traces of PCP were also found in Falwell’s system after being administered a blood test.
Falwell, as of this moment, is being held in the Virginia state prison where he awaits to stand trial. If convicted, Falwell could be sentenced to a maximum of twenty-five years in prison, where he will, more than likely, live out the remainder of his life, as a “prison bride” (ouch). As for this reporter, I’m going to cleanup my hard drive.