Is Rob Johnson Really That Good?

TAMPA, FL – It has been suggested by both anonymous NFL executives and radical sects of football fans that Rob Johnson, former NFL quarterback and modern-day physical specimen, truly is the best player in the history of professional sport.

Johnson was a quarterback for a number of NFL teams, stretching from the mid-1990s on until his premature retirement in 2003. Of all the teams he played for, the majority of his success came while a member of the Buffalo Bills, where he became the starting quarterback during the playoff run in 1999. He was the starter for Buffalo in the famous “Music City Miracle” game during that run, where the Bills lost the game by a fluke kickoff returned for a touchdown by the Tennessee Titans on the final play of the game. In the off-season that year, he signed a multi-million dollar contract that labeled him the “future of the franchise” in the eyes of the football world. After a year of injuries, he was released by the Bills and began his three year tour of perennial backup quarterback roles for various teams. He has been out of the NFL for a solid season of football, and to many insiders around the league, the reason is unknown.

One NFL executive spoke to, on the condition of anonymity, about why Johnson is out of work, and where he stands among the greats:

“Rob Johnson always had a great upside. For whatever reason, he never found a home on any of the teams he played for. He’d be a valuable asset to any team, and it’s really a mystery to why he’s not playing.”

When asked if Johnson was still talented enough to play, the executive responded, “I’d take Johnson over Peyton Manning, or any of the niggers corrupting the position. And I’m not alone, either. Any exec would love to grab up that guy.”

Joel Bauer, resident of Buffalo, NY, and considered by the local press as a football guru, said, “We got rid of Flutie so we could put ol’ Rob in there. We never used the guy and now that he’s gone we’re in last place. Then he signs with the [Tampa Bay] Buccaneers and they win the damn Super Bowl. Losing Rob Johnson was the worst roster move in the rich history of our Buffalo Bills.”

After winning the Super Bowl with the Buccaneers, Johnson was released by Tampa Bay at the end of the 2002 season. I traveled to Tampa to speak with head coach Jon Gruden to see if he would comment on the roster move:

“Rob Johnson’s a heck of a player. Sucker’s got a rocket hooked onto his shoulder and enough athleticism to give Michael Jordan a run for his money. He’s a rock solid general of the gridiron.” When asked why Johnson was released, Gruden responded, “I don’t control the finances and player movement here, but if I did, dad-blame-it Jiminy-Christmas, I’d a kept that bastard. He’s a modern-day Thor in shoulder pads.”

Up until recently, Johnson’s location was unknown. I had a hunch he was hiding out somewhere on a beach in California, and after receiving an anonymous tip from a Rastafarian bootlegger in San Bernardino, I found Johnson running a tourist stand off the pier at Venice Beach, selling original matted paintings of sunsets and beach life, seashell necklaces, and California airbrushed t-shirts. To this reporter, it was a little odd to see a Super Bowl winning quarterback living the life of an anonymous beach bum.

I approached Johnson and told him who I was, and after learning I was a member of the press, he had two bloated Nigerians with dreadlocks remove me from the pier area. When I attempted to re-enter, they each pulled out a shard of some kind of bent metal weapon and waved it at me while groaning out some sort of primitive Zulu grunt. It appears to this reporter that Mr. Johnson has become a bit of an eccentric recluse, making his life some type of personal homage to the great and deluded Colonel Walter E. Kurtz.

Getting any more details at this juncture would not only be futile, but also be a risk to my own life. I will relay any information on this complex story to you as I uncover more details.



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