German Cook Prepares Person As Delicacy

BERLIN – One of my international sources informed me, earlier this week, of a growing story happening in Germany, where world-renowned chef Apfel Strudahl prepared a human carcass for several members of the Bundestag for a formal dinner. Knowing my great interest in disgusting affairs, my source forwarded this information to me via the morning wire report, and as soon as I heard of this story, I flew to Berlin, thanks to the endless expense account’s Senior Executive Duncan Idaho provides, to meet with this chef and get the whole story.

Strudahl, of Leipzig, Germany, a famous and well-liked chef, was found serving plump slabs of human body to various members of German Parliament. According to Strudahl, as told to me by his attorney while he was awaiting arraignment, the body was willed to him by his late colleague Jorge Rodriguez-Valendes of Costa Rica. Apparently, preparing the human body as a delicacy has been a dream of both Strudahl’s and Valendes’ for years, and they both had written clauses in their wills for their corpses to be given to the other and prepared as a main course after their mortal end. Hans Gruber, Director of the German Board of Health, issued a statement:

“Mr. Strudahl served broiled filet of thigh, marinated wood smoked shoulder, and sautéed eyeball of human being to German Parliament; a body of a supposed former colleague. He is being held at police headquarters in Berlin, awaiting legal council and arraignment, while the authorities sort out whether or not Mr. Strudahl has actually broken any laws. We at the Board of Health have no further comments at this time.”

The meal Strudahl served has received mixed reviews. One member of the invitation-only dinner said, “He told us the main course this evening was a Spanish horse delicacy, which is very popular in South America. I have to admit that the meal was delicious, but different. I’d eat person again if the opportunity arose.” Another member of the dinner, who asked for anonymity, said, “I am embarrassed and thoroughly disgusted to have consumed a human being.”

If this form of delicacy gains positive ground in Germany, we may find the consumption of people to be a common custom in the United States. I can recall the conversation coming up on several instances after all-night chemical binges with fellow askew individuals. It may start as an underground uprising, but I’d be an advocate to this respectable form of revolutionized cannibalism. Auf wiedersehen!



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Mr. Idaho is the Managing Director of Lush For Life. When he's not running the business and writing, he enjoys playing golf at St. Andrew's in Scotland, and supervising the development of his family's winery, "Dread God Vineyards", in South Africa. During the summer months, he resides on board his luxurious full-sized yacht off the coast of Hong Kong, snorting cocaine off the breasts of $10,000 female escorts while further developing his off-shore contacts with Japanese and Chinese businessmen.

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