Florida Shark Attacks Uncovered

ST. PETERSBURG, FL – As many people know, there have been an abundance of shark attacks in Florida, recently. As I began to investigate this phenomenon, I was contacted by a bay area man who claimed to have an explanation to the recent attacks. Marine biologist, mechanical engineer, and local town laughing stock Dr. Michael McCummings called me at my office Monday morning. He said that he knew why the attacks were happening, and arranged for me to meet him the following afternoon. Having no other leads, I agreed to meet with him.

In 1973, Dr. McCummings worked for the U.S. navy as the head of their technology department. He was discharged from the navy in 1984, and declared legally insane, after claiming he had invented a time machine that would operate underwater, while high on L.S.D. After his discharge, he moved to a small neighborhood in Clearwater, FL, where, over the course of the last two decades he has been reported by neighbors for conducting “bizarre” science experiments.

I met with Dr. McCummings at a diner in Clearwater, on Tuesday afternoon. He divulged some very startling news to me.

Scott – Dr. McCummings, lets cut straight to the chase. What do you know about the shark attacks?

Dr. McCummings – Scott, I know because of my past you probably consider me to be an unreliable source, but there is no reason to be hasty. I assure you, you’re not wasting your time.

Scott – What data have you collected to explain the attacks?

Dr. McCummings – Well, you see, I wouldn’t call it data, per se.

Scott – Dr., you’re wasting my time. Good day.

Dr. McCummings – No, no, wait… please, I have something I must confess. The sharks that have been attacking swimmers are not actually sharks.

Scott – What do you mean? Are you saying these fish are some kind of new species?

Dr. McCummings – You could say that. These sharks that have been attacking are robotical

Scott – That’s ridiculous!

Dr. McCummings – No, it’s true! They’re my robots. I designed these robot sharks so that I could breed them with normal, biological sharks, thus creating a mutated cyborg race of sharks.

Scott – You disgust me! What would even be the scientific purpose of doing this

Dr. McCummings – Have you seen the movie “RoboCop”

Scott – Yeah, that one part is solo cool… sorry, I mean, what does that have to do with anything?

Dr. McCummings – Well, when officer Murphy became a cyborg, he was a much more proficient police officer, and looked cooler. If I could create cyborg sharks, they would be so much cooler then normal sharks. Unfortunately, the real sharks rejected the attempts my robotic sharks made to mate with them. That’s why they have been attacking; I programmed the robots to attack if their attempts to mate were unsuccessful.

Scott – Why would you do that?

Dr. McCummings – Because, you fool, otherwise they would be useless!

Dr. McCummings – What?

Scott – is any of this even scientifically possible?

Dr. McCummings – No.

Scott – Is any of what you’ve told me true?

Dr. McCummings – No, I’m sorry for wasting your time.

Scott – Good day, sir.

In conclusion, was the Dr. lying to me? Perhaps he was telling the truth? I would like to find out, but I’m hydrophobic, I guess someone else will have to pick up where I left off, and hopefully put an end to these at attacks.

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