Everything Is Stupid

TAMPA, FL – It’s official: everything is stupid. On Thursday, July 10, 2005, Dr. C. Carl Kent, a professor at the University of South Florida with a PhD in psychology, scientifically proved that literally everything is stupid. Kent actually administered IQ tests on anything and everything he could get his hands on to evaluate the intelligence of “everything”. Let’s take a look at the IQ scores of “everything”.

The results are shocking: Each of the people, plants, animals, objects, and “things” listed below were given one hour to complete a standardized IQ test.

  • 1997 Ford Ranger: 0
  • Windows ME: 65
  • Windows 2000: 70
  • Windows XP: 76
  • A pencil: 0
  • A bee: 1
  • Paris Hilton: 2
  • Paris Hilton’s sex tape, “One Night in Paris.”: 3
  • A pine tree: 0
  • An issue of The New York Times: 0
  • Laundry detergent: 0
  • A poodle: 4
  • Steven Hawking’s wheel chair: 98
  • The sun: 0
  • A lamp: 0
  • An issue of Maxim: 0
  • The new Metallica album: 0
  • George W. Bush: 29
  • A random Republican: 57
  • A rock: 0
  • A bus stop: 0
  • The DMV: 0
  • Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie: 12
  • A condom: 0
  • A pink collared shirt: 0
  • A man in a pink collared shirt: -1
  • Three Men and a Baby VHS: 0
  • Three Men and a Baby DVD: 0
  • An episode of Seventh Heaven: 0
  • Scuba gear: 0
  • A water fountain: 0
  • A deck of playing cards: 0
  • A Super Nintendo: 4
  • A size 11 _ pair of Doc Martens: 0
  • A frog: 0
  • A five dollar bill: 0
  • A fast food drive-thru order menu: 0
  • A chocolate milkshake: 0
  • Stuff: 0
  • A piece of wood: 0
  • Exercise: 0
  • February: 0
  • An ex-girlfriend: 31

This is only a small example of all the things that were given IQ tests. As you can see, all of the things on this list scored below average, thus proving they are stupid. As a matter of fact, Dr. C. Carl Kent said, “I vow to dedicate the rest of my life to this study until everyone and everything has been tested.” It is reported that Dr. Kent has already performed IQ tests on over 1,200 people, plants, animals, objects, and “things”. When asked to do an interview for this story, Dr. Kent replied, “No, this article is stupid!” Furthermore, he was right. This article is stupid. Before posting this story, we printed a rough draft copy of it, and had it take a standardized IQ test. It failed completely, with a final score of zero.

Although there is much to debate on this issue, I’m not going to bother, because that would require thinking, and thinking is stupid. It would also require more typing, and typing is stupid, as well. So the next time you say to someone: “This is stupid!”, you’re probably right. Odds are, it is stupid. Whether it be a bicycle, a TV remote, your pet turtle, your ex-girlfriend, that guy who wears a pink collared shirt, waiting in line for something, your phone bill, or just that pesky rash that won’t go away…don’t worry, you can rest assured that you’re absolutely right, because everything in this world is stupid.

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