Conspiracy Involving Costner, Baseball Uncovered

HOLLYWOOD – A Hollywood insider tipped me off to a possible conspiracy to take over the world involving sometimes popular, though often maligned actor/director Kevin Costner. This anonymous source alluded to the idea that the reason Costner’s popularity has not been swayed by repetitive flop after flop in the box office is because Costner is in fact an alien, and has long standing ties with other suspected aliens who control various powerful positions in the world. When I asked my source what kind of information he or she had to prove such an outlandish accusation, he or she simply replied: “Just look at the facts. It would appear to a clear-thinking individual that no matter what Mr. Costner does, he always seems to benefit.”

This anonymous source brought to my attention that while Costner has been entrenching himself as one of America’s most beloved faces, he has managed to single-handedly produce some of the worst films ever made, economically speaking. Out of the twelve biggest flops in box office history, as reported by ImDb.com, Costner has directed four of them. Another odd factor is that when Costner is not churning out a total misfire, he’s making a film about the Kennedy Family or about baseball. To further investigate this state of events, I went to film director Oliver Stone, who worked with Costner in his 1991 film JFK, to shed some light on his theories.

“I decided to cast Kevin as the role of Jim Garrison [in JFK] after waking from a very lucid dream involving extra-terrestrials,” Stone said. “I’m not sure why, but after I awoke I just knew he would be perfect.” As I attempted to ask follow-up questions, Stone began to slip in and out of consciousness randomly as his eyes rolled into the back of his head.

Links between Kevin Costner and baseball have been prevalent ever since the actor burst onto the silver screen. To baseball historian and Cooperstown employee Marc Kilbride, the connection has always bordered on the bizarre. When I traveled to Cooperstown, Ohio, to speak with Mr. Kilbride, the facts he presented to me further solidified his case:

“In the 1919 World Series, Chicago White Sox outfielder Joe Jackson took a bribe to purposely lose the series for his team. After rigorous investigation, my colleagues and I now believe that Mr. Jackson had a connection with some form of life from another planet, and it was these very beings who controlled Jackson and forced him to sell out his teammates.” Kilbride continues, “Kevin Costner has been the only avid baseball fan in history to immortalize Jackson. The connection between the two has always been a bit odd.

For some insight on the existence of extra-terrestrial life and their suspected connection with baseball, I contacted former Coast to Coast AM talk radio host Art Bell. When asked if aliens actually exist and have an obsession with American baseball, Bell replied, “Well, Mr. Albertson, I can assure you that extra-terrestrials do exist, and because of my in-depth field study of them, to which I have devoted my life, [I can say that] their involvement in manipulating the game of baseball has been present since the invention of the sport. How else could you justify the infield fly rule?

“The inventors of the sport, Alexander Cartwright and Abner Doubleday, were both suspected aliens in their time. It is my contention that aliens have controlled the game since the beginning, and Joe Jackson and Kevin Costner are simply minor spokes in the chain of this elaborate plot constructed by extra-terrestrials. To them, baseball is the ultimate weapon in implementing telepathic mind control.”

Based on these accounts, it would appear that Costner’s stable popularity is due to subliminal alien control, possibly administered visually through televised baseball games, and designed to keep him in the spotlight so he can keep churning out giant-budgeted movie flops. Due to this, I don’t envision Mr. Costner going anywhere any time in the foreseeable future.

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