College Binge Gives Mother The Boot

NORFOLK, VA – The price of middle-aged angst just keeps going up. Menopausal baby-boomers sometimes find that Prozac and Xanax are not enough to ease their course through the rocky passages of empty-nest suburbia. But when they ask their HMOs for help, they get nothing.

Wenwei Bleak of Norfolk, VA, recently received notice from Aetna that her claim for a new pair of Via Spiga pumps (colored Havana, in carazza leather) was denied.

Morgan Spurlock and the kill-joys at the Surgeon General’s office have warned mid-life women away from the temporary serotonin highs offered by fast-food chains. They are therefore turning to one of the oldest palliatives known to their gender group: shoes.

Ms. Bleak points to rocketing medical insurance premiums and soaring Aetna profits and share prices, yet there is no HMO sympathy for this type of alternative medicine.

The moronic Bush administration (recently caught supplying sex offenders with Viagra) has also turned its back on these desperate women. Mrs. Wanda Flope qualifies for Medicare but was denied any help at all with a pair of Vigotti Elyse wedges with espadrille heels in platino metallic.

Today’s stresses are sometimes so great that the hormonally – and existentially – challenged often need footwear in every color of the rainbow. Some midlife mamas cope even better if these also come in kitten heels, stiletto, wedge, boot and flat. But affording them ain’t easy.

Fortunately, community centers are coming to the rescue, with low-cost courses on how to sell items on internet auction sites.

Ms. Semolina Jamison, of Tulsa, OK, has been able to sell her daughter, Haylea, no less than 11 times this way. In the last 3 months, Semolina has acquired a full range of name-brand boots in her hard-to-find size 6W (she shops creatively, often finding as much as a 75% discount and free shipping online).

Haylea attends a highly-ranked party college (no, not Florida State), and binge-drinks most nights. Mrs. Jamison simply mails a pack of “roofies” to the purchaser, calls Haylea on her Motorola V3 Razr cell phone (with lilac glitter case) to check which party she will be at, and the deal is done. Haylea has not yet noticed anything unusual, and Ms. Jamison intends to begin acquiring matching purses soon. The delay is caused by her roofie supplier’s current four-week lead-time.

Mrs. Marter Scher of Newport, RI has also found a www dot solution. Her mother-in-law has Alzheimer’s, but her two Californian-partying, liposuctioned, bleached-blonde, selfish-bitch sisters-in-law leave the entire problem to her. By the time they show their surgically-sculptured noses anywhere near the old bat, the jewelry and antiques they naïvely expect to inherit will be Gucci and Prada size 9Ns in Mrs. Scher’s cupboard.

The daughters will blame the Social Services personnel, but the real criminals will walk free: those stony-hearted bastards at Blue Cross, Blue Shield.

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