Actor Tom Cruise Found Onboard Space Shuttle Discovery

JOHNSON SPACE CENTER, HOUSTON – World renowned actor and Scientologist Tom Cruise was discovered onboard the space shuttle Discovery by crew members during their ascent into space, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration said yesterday. Discovery Shuttle Commander Steve Robinson reported to the Space Center Houston that the actor was found fully naked, except for a spelunking helmet he was wearing, and hiding underneath a layer of wiring and circuitry in a side panel located in the underbelly of the spacecraft. Robinson said through a wire report:

“Mr. Cruise was discovered about four hours into our journey by a member of our astronaut team. He seemed to be distressed and unkempt when found, and is refusing to communicate with the staff. He has secluded himself in our storage bunker and has locked himself inside.”

Cruise has become a bit of a spectacle during the past several months, appearing on television talk shows and making public appearances, while advocating his strong beliefs in Scientology. Dr. Susan Ackerman, the head of Religious Studies at Dartmouth University, offered her perspective on a possible connection between Cruise’s avid interest in Scientology and his recent journey into space:

“Scientologists in general are very passionate about their faith, but in Mr. Cruise’s case, the feelings are a bit more extreme. His faith, in my professional opinion, is a definite reason for his decision to hide on a spacecraft ascending into outer space.”

In an attempt to gather more facts, I made a trip to Hollywood, California, to speak with close friends of Cruise to determine if the link between Scientology and this debacle were in fact true. Unfortunately, my attempts to contact his close friends and family proved futile, as I was first referred to Katie Holmes’ personal yoga instructor, who also apparently handles all of her public affairs, and she referred me to Ms. Holmes’ attorney. To avoid further setbacks, I took what we call in the industry as a “journalistic shortcut”, and paid off a Romanian gypsy woman who sells maps to celebrity’s residences. The first map I purchased proved to be bogus, as I ended up at a residential business that was a front for a Vietnamese massage parlor. When I returned to the gypsy, she assured me the address was correct, and when I returned I discovered the home did in fact belong to Cruise, only he rents out the space to illegitimate businesses while he is away on “work”. After acquiring a cable repairman uniform from one of my Los Angeles based contacts, I went into Cruise’s home to gather the raw facts that would surely pull the story together.

After rummaging through his underwear drawer, jewelry collection, and personal effects, I discovered a titanium filing box containing daily CIA reports from the last twelve years, as well as a certified document from the Church of Scientology, obligating Cruise, who is an Operating Thetan Level Six, to embark on a spiritual journey to locate the soul of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, and attempt to make contact with him if ever found.

Apparently, Cruise attempted to do this by sneaking on board Discovery. NASA is claiming the reason for Discovery’s premature return from voyage is due to their inability to fix two worrisome pieces of filler material protruding from the spacecraft’s belly, which coincidentally was where Cruise was discovered, but the real story appears to be an emergency return to get Cruise back on Earth. Once they return from space, Cruise’s body will be safe and sound, but this reporter will make no assurance that his mind will ever return to reality.

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