Actor Goldblum Founds Charity For National Guard

SACRAMENTO – A charity has been founded in California designed to offer members of the National Guard a more spiritual and relaxed work environment. The charity, founded by actor Jeff Goldblum, in conjunction with Sandoz Laboratories in Basel, Switzerland, will allow all members of the California National Guard to be readily available with Buddhist reading materials, free daily yoga sessions, and most notably, daily rations of the banned psychedelic drug LSD, Goldblum said during a press conference held on Monday:

“I have been concerned with the welfare of, um…..the, uh, National….

Guard…and I, uh…we, rather, are going to do whatever we can to, uh…help these, um…patriotic…men and women live a more fulfilling…life.

“[The National Guard] are, um…a group that has been, ahhh, abused during the nation’s war on terror. The extra workload, and being sent overseas, has been very trying, and…. very hard, and, uh… very difficult. I want to do whatever I can to help.”

Goldblum believes that by administering daily amounts of LSD, the troops of the National Guard will become more euphoric and accept their chosen direction in life. The organization, which Goldblum is calling Keep the Troops Tripping, is planning on basing the majority of their work overseas in Basel, Switzerland, at the Sandoz laboratory, where all of the research and development of massive amounts of LSD will be produced. The administering of LSD will be done over international waters, where the United States government cannot regulate the distribution, and members of the National Guard cannot be prosecuted or court-martialed for the possession of the drug. The KTT program is being vigorously opposed by the federal government, who is trying to get the newly developed charity disbanded. FBI Director Robert Mueller said in a statement to the associated press in Washington:

“We at the FBI are exhausting all avenues in trying to get Mr. Goldblum’s charity disbanded. We have contacted all commanding officers at every branch of the National Guard, ordering them to seize any and all illegal mind-altering substances their officers come in contact with, either supplied by the KTT or otherwise.”

The seizing of illegal substances may prove to be more difficult than originally anticipated. Most National Guardsmen interviewed, including California Brigadier General John R. Alexander, said they are supporting the KTT’s plan on making their lives more enjoyable. A number of guardsmen interviewed were unable to effectively communicate, though General Alexander went on the record to say:

“I’ve been told by Bob Mueller to apprehend all psychedelic drugs given to us by the KTT, and turn them over to the FBI,” Alexander said. “But I have to admit, I can’t bring myself to do that. The universe is so grand and I’m but a miniscule micro-morsel…I can feel the wheels of the gods churning about, but I’m still content with my existence. And there are so many colors… [pauses, several deep breaths]. You must excuse me. I have a scheduled meeting with a rowdy bunch of devil-horned pink gorillas. If I’m late they may carry out their master plan and slaughter our women and children.”

To get the charity off the ground, former musician-cum-political activist Sir Bob Geldof has agreed to fund the KTT with all of the profits made during the worldwide series of Live 8 concerts held in July. The proceeds were originally intended to aid hunger in Africa, but after Geldof heard of Goldblum’s mission, he instantly got on board.

“Giving armed troops LSD is the best idea I’ve heard in a long time. I’m giving all of the proceeds from the Live 8 concerts to Jeff Goldblum and his Keep the Troops Tripping charity. Getting these men and women some real help should be priority number one for all of us.”

In a related story, since Keep the Troops Tripping has been founded, the numbers of volunteer enrollment has soared. Enrollment is up two-hundred percent over 2004, with the majority of enrollees coming from students who have withdrawn from art programs at major universities. If Senior Executive Duncan Idaho didn’t have his international contacts in Holland and Switzerland, I may have considered enrolling myself.



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