NORFOLK, VA – The price of middle-aged angst just keeps going up. Menopausal baby-boomers sometimes find that Prozac and Xanax are not enough to ease their course through the rocky passages of empty-nest suburbia. But when they ask their HMOs for help, they get nothing.

Wenwei Bleak of Norfolk, VA, recently received notice from Aetna that her claim for a new pair of Via Spiga pumps (colored Havana, in carazza leather) was denied. Continue Reading

NEW YORK, NY – A new study released by New York University suggests that heart failure is now the leading cause of death in the world. Graduate students at NYU conducted a survey amongst subjects suffering from multiple fatal diseases and disorders, including various forms of cancer, AIDS, and emphysema, and concluded that in one-hundred percent of the cases, heart failure was the ultimate cause of death. Continue Reading

With prices steadily rising on gasoline and real estate, the noodle industry is no exception. The Nissin Corporation, manufacturer of Top Ramen Noodles, has announced a 10% price increase on its signature product, Top Ramen Noodles. Consumers can now expect to pay eleven cents at the grocery store for their noodle fix up from a ten cent MSRP familiar to consumers just last week.

Company executives blame the dramatic increase on a combination of a higher cost of ingredients as well as much needed employee wage increases. With a previous retail cost of ten cents, and grocery stores only paying about half of that to the Nissin Corporation, the company had to sell 315,000 noodles a month just to cover the $15750 monthly rent at the noodle factory. With the penny increase, the corporation is reporting they could pay off that same overhead selling just 286,363 noodles. Continue Reading

Not since the Lord of the Rings trilogy, or even Star Wars, has a better figment of someone’s imagination made its way onto paper. Scientology is by far the best and most imaginative heap of nonsense I have ever heard in my entire life. I would put its caliber of creativity and sheer “wackoness“, if you will, about ten notches above Disney’s Fantasia. If you’re the type of person who is into mind-expanding drugs, or if you just enjoy a good piece of fictional literature every now and again, then I highly recommend you take a deeper look into the religion of Scientology. Continue Reading

TAMPA, FL – International superstar Jeremy Gloff entered the Betty Ford Clinic on Monday, August 29^th, 2005, for an addiction to caffeine. Gloff started his career in Tampa, FL, in the summer of 1993. After three months of playing the local open-mic circuit at various coffee shops, Gloff was offered a $1.5 million contract from Geffen Records, which he accepted. He soon began work on his first studio album entitled True Stories. When True Stories was finished, Geffen began scheduling a six-month American/European tour consisting of theatre halls and arenas. However, Gloff refused to play theatres and arenas. Gloff insisted that he only play coffee shops. After several weeks of debating, Geffen finally agreed. Continue Reading

SACRAMENTO – A charity has been founded in California designed to offer members of the National Guard a more spiritual and relaxed work environment. The charity, founded by actor Jeff Goldblum, in conjunction with Sandoz Laboratories in Basel, Switzerland, will allow all members of the California National Guard to be readily available with Buddhist reading materials, free daily yoga sessions, and most notably, daily rations of the banned psychedelic drug LSD, Goldblum said during a press conference held on Monday: Continue Reading

SAO PAULO, BRAZIL – A new breaking story scrolled in on the daily LushForLife.com wire report implicating Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice as the main ringleader in a prostitution ring uncovered at the U.S. Embassy in Brazil earlier this week. Press reports out of Brazil indicated that several members of the embassy, including Ambassador John J. Danilovich, have been receiving sexual favors during the past several months from prostitutes employed by both the Medellín and Cali drug cartels, sources say. Continue Reading

BUFFALO – Newly wed Henry Lancaster, an unemployed beer distributor, was mutilated by his wife of one month, Linda Lancaster, in his Buffalo, NY home Wednesday night. Henry, like many other borderline retard Americans, was quietly watching his favorite VH1 reality show Hogan Knows Best when suddenly he was viciously attacked and maimed by his pre-menstruating werewolf-wife, Linda. Henry stated; “I was just sitting on my ass watching Hogan Knows Best, drinking a Budweiser, when Linda came home from her job at Wal-Mart. She walks in the door, and the first thing she does is plop her ass down on the couch. So I says: ‘Are you gonna cook dinner, or should I just wish for a meatloaf until one pops out of my ass?’” Henry went on to say, “The next thing I know, she starts growing all this hair in weird places, and gets this mad look on her face. Five minutes later I’m unconscious on the ground.” Henry regained consciousness four days later in the intensive care unit at the Mercy Hospital of Buffalo, after he was discovered by his best friend, Bill Schmitt, who stated, “I went over to Henry’s place to play cards, like we do every Wednesday night, and I just found him there on the floor. So I threw him in the back of my pickup truck, and drove him to the ER.” Henry sustained permanent injuries to his head, chest, neck, spine, and genitalia. Continue Reading

SAN FRANCISCO – A new study conducted by the University of California-Berkley’s Psychology Department suggests that reading in either limited amounts or compulsively actually lowers the IQ of the reader. Dr. Donald Deveau, head of the Psychology Department at UC-Berkley, said, “In the studies we have conducted in the last six weeks, we have determined that reading books from printed text reduces the reader’s IQ. Results were most severe in subjects from the ages of six to thirteen years old, reducing the reader’s intelligence quotient by about a quarter point for every 500 words read.” Continue Reading

JOHNSON SPACE CENTER, HOUSTON – World renowned actor and Scientologist Tom Cruise was discovered onboard the space shuttle Discovery by crew members during their ascent into space, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration said yesterday. Discovery Shuttle Commander Steve Robinson reported to the Space Center Houston that the actor was found fully naked, except for a spelunking helmet he was wearing, and hiding underneath a layer of wiring and circuitry in a side panel located in the underbelly of the spacecraft. Robinson said through a wire report: Continue Reading