Aug 29th, 2005
NORFOLK, VA – The price of middle-aged angst just keeps going up. Menopausal baby-boomers sometimes find that Prozac and Xanax are not enough to ease their course through the rocky passages of empty-nest suburbia. But when they ask their HMOs for help, they get nothing.
Wenwei Bleak of Norfolk, VA, recently received notice from Aetna [...]
NEW YORK, NY – A new study released by New York University suggests that heart failure is now the leading cause of death in the world. Graduate students at NYU conducted a survey amongst subjects suffering from multiple fatal diseases and disorders, including various forms of cancer, AIDS, and emphysema, and concluded that in one-hundred [...]
With prices steadily rising on gasoline and real estate, the noodle industry is no exception. The Nissin Corporation, manufacturer of Top Ramen Noodles, has announced a 10% price increase on its signature product, Top Ramen Noodles. Consumers can now expect to pay eleven cents at the grocery store for their noodle fix up from a [...]
Aug 28th, 2005
Not since the Lord of the Rings trilogy, or even Star Wars, has a better figment of someone’s imagination made its way onto paper. Scientology is by far the best and most imaginative heap of nonsense I have ever heard in my entire life. I would put its caliber of creativity and sheer “wackoness“, if [...]
TAMPA, FL – International superstar Jeremy Gloff entered the Betty Ford Clinic on Monday, August 29th, 2005, for an addiction to caffeine. Gloff started his career in Tampa, FL, in the summer of 1993. After three months of playing the local open-mic circuit at various coffee shops, Gloff was offered a $1.5 million contract from [...]
Aug 14th, 2005
SACRAMENTO – A charity has been founded in California designed to offer members of the National Guard a more spiritual and relaxed work environment. The charity, founded by actor Jeff Goldblum, in conjunction with Sandoz Laboratories in Basel, Switzerland, will allow all members of the California National Guard to be readily available with Buddhist reading [...]
SAO PAULO, BRAZIL – A new breaking story scrolled in on the daily LushForLife.com wire report implicating Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice as the main ringleader in a prostitution ring uncovered at the U.S. Embassy in Brazil earlier this week. Press reports out of Brazil indicated that several members of the embassy, including Ambassador [...]
BUFFALO – Newly wed Henry Lancaster, an unemployed beer distributor, was mutilated by his wife of one month, Linda Lancaster, in his Buffalo, NY home Wednesday night. Henry, like many other borderline retard Americans, was quietly watching his favorite VH1 reality show Hogan Knows Best when suddenly he was viciously attacked and maimed by his [...]
Aug 5th, 2005
SAN FRANCISCO – A new study conducted by the University of California-Berkley’s Psychology Department suggests that reading in either limited amounts or compulsively actually lowers the IQ of the reader. Dr. Donald Deveau, head of the Psychology Department at UC-Berkley, said, “In the studies we have conducted in the last six weeks, we have determined [...]
JOHNSON SPACE CENTER, HOUSTON – World renowned actor and Scientologist Tom Cruise was discovered onboard the space shuttle Discovery by crew members during their ascent into space, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration said yesterday. Discovery Shuttle Commander Steve Robinson reported to the Space Center Houston that the actor was found fully naked, except [...]